|
Unlikely Messiah
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Bucharest
Posts: 16,822
|
Ha! :w00t:
Päi scurt metrajul meu de debut, "Färä lumini de pozitie", se baza tot pe un banc! Bancul cu rätusca si crocodilul!
Povestea a fost asa: cele trei scenarii ale conrusrului de debut erau catastrofice. L-am ales pe al lui Adrian Dohotaru (titlu original: "In cäutarea trenului pierdut" - adicä, dä-o-n mä-sa!), Dumnezeu sä-l ierte (scuzati juxtapunerea), pentru cä mäcar era dinamic. Da' era asa de idiot, încât în timp ce scriam decupajul si conceptia regisoralä (cum cerea concursul de debut), fäceam un misto de el, crunt! Atunci, fosta mea nevastä a comentat: "Astia zici cä-s în bancul äla cu rätusca si crocodilul!"
COOO-RECT! Am introdus bancul în film (e un banc interminabil - în sine, nu doar conjunctural, ca äla din "Asfaltango" - dureazä 20 de minute dupä ceas!), spus repetitiv, de vreo trei personaje diferite. Iar cintele finale ale poantei au devenit titlul filmului! Asa a fost!
Din päcate, n-am scris bancul în românä, doar în englezä (pentru diversi net-friends extra-mioritici). N-am timp acum, asa cä-l pun cum e. O sä pricepeti voi.
De retinut: în original...
"flap-flap" = "lipa-lipa",
"swish-swish" = "pâsh-pâsh"
* * *
THE FABLE WITH THE DUCKLING AND THE CROCODILE
(NOTE 1: This fable is meant to be said in guise of JOKE, during the long nights when parties get boring, or during a long trip, or so... To obtain the best effect, it must be said on a measured and grandfatherish tone, as a fairy-tale for children. Of course, the main fragments, which make all the fun, are the descriptions of the travels of the two heroes. Take care to memorize PERFECTLY all the geographic places they pass, in that precise order - you can consult an atlas, to have a better spatial vision - else, the effect won't work! Also, in the first two instances, you must describe the travels methodically, and slowly, to help the listener keep them in mind. Then, in the next reccurences, you must speak faster and faster, so as, in the last two ones, when the heroes travel both as the same time, you hame to enlist the places breathlessly, with a machine-gun speed - ATTENTION to well practice your diction and pronunciation before that!)
(NOTE 2: As you will see, a big deal of fun is meant for Romanian people, especially in the intermediary fragments which describe specific Romanian situations and details. Each of you can adapt the fable to his or her national specific environment; if the Crocodile can safely live on in the jungles of South America, you can place the Duckling practically in any country in the world; then, of course, you must change the routes - use again the same atlas and choose a traject as long and tortuous as possible - and some of the specific details and motivations.)
Have all the fun you can get!
Once upon a time, in Northern Moldavia, near the springs of Siret, lived a Duckling. She was very cute, pretty, sexy, coquettish, brunettish, with bangs, a really nice cool gurl, not married yet, living with her mother, working as a clerk at a local banking office of BankPost, very thrifty, so she had a nice bank account, and plenty of cards, Visa, Travelers Cheque, American Card and so on, she had also made some wise investments, since she had a former kindergarten mate working as a broker at the Stock Exchange, so, until now, all well and good... Well, one day, our Duckling has an idea - and she tells to her mother:
"Hey, Momma, I had a swell idea - listen! Why don't I make a World Tour? You know, young I am, cute I am, no strings attached - NOW it's the moment to go and have fun! Later, you know - first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Me with a eggs-full carriage - and all that..."
"Terrific, gurl!" said the mother. "I know you are a well behaved gurl - I sat MYSELF on your egg, never gave it to the community incubator! - you won't make any mischief, to visit countries you have no visas for, or clandestine immigration, or carry illegal substances under your feathers - go, baby, go and have fun, and be back as soon as possible!"
And so, our Duckling got her passport, applied for a Schengen visa and got it in less than one month (one of her old school-mates being a secretary at the Belgian Embassy), drew some cash from the bank, exchanging it at a VERY advantageous rate, opened a dollar account, took all her credit-cards, kissed Momma goodbye and off she went, flapping her pretty paws:
Flap-flap on the Siret, flap-flap on the Danube, flap-flap through the Danube's Delta, flap-flap on the Black Sea, flap-flap through the Bosphorus, flap-flap on the Marmara Sea, flap-flap through the Dardanelles Strait, flap-flap on the Aegean Sea, flap-flap among the Greek Archilepago, flap-flap on the Mediterranean Sea, flap-flap through the Suez Channel, flap-flap on the Red Sea, flap-flap thourgh the Bab-el-Mandeb Straits, flap-flap on the Aden Gulf, flap-flap around the Guardafui Cape, flap-flap on the Indian Ocean, flap-flap by the Madagascar, flap-flap around the Good Hope's Cape, flap-flap around the Needles' Cape, flap-flap by the Benin Gulf, flap-flap by the Biafra Gulf, flap-flap among the Green Cape Islands, flap-flap on the Atlantic Ocean, flap-flap through the Orinoco Delta, flap-flap on the Orinoco River...
And, at last, she gets into the Mato Grosso Jungle... And there, the first she meets, a Crocodile - a nice chap, emerald-green, with a strong and horny tail, he was around 150 years old (meaning 40-45 in human years), a bit grizzled, with cute laughing lines around his funny eyes and big wide mouth, he gleaned at once she was a stranger and dutifully greeted her: "Hey, Miss, welcome here - ASL please?" - she knew what "ASL" means, having spent a few nights chatting online, so she answered "2/f/Romania - n u?" (She was two years old, you, see, just out her teenage months). The Crocodile, very gallant, offered to take her and show her all the attractions there, he showed her the Inca Pyramids, the Macchu Picchu, the Nazca Plain, the Beach in Copacabana, by night he invited her to Acapulco night-clubs - they had one hell of a time!
Well, two weeks later, the dollars in her account being almost finished (she didn't accept anything from him, why create unnecessary complications, they agreed to keep everything on a strictly friendly basis), she kissed him good-bye, promised to e-mail him, the Crocodile presented her with a piece of leather from his own tail (he was just changing his skin, you know, being of a certain age...), and off she went, our Duckling, back home, flapping her pretty paws:
Flap-flap on the Orinoco River, flap-flap through the Orinoco Delta, flap-flap on the Atlantic Ocean, flap-flap among the Green Cape Islands, flap-flap by the Biafra Gulf, flap-flap by the Benin Gulf, flap-flap around the Needles' Cape, flap-flap around the Good Hope's Cape, flap-flap by the Madagascar, flap-flap on the Indian Ocean, flap-flap around the Guardafui Cape, flap-flap on the Aden Gulf, flap-flap thourgh the Bab-el-Mandeb Straits, flap-flap on the Red Sea, flap-flap through the Suez Channel, flap-flap on the Mediterranean Sea, flap-flap among the Greek Archipelago, flap-flap on the Aegean Sea, flap-flap through the Dardanelles Strait, flap-flap on the Marmara Sea, flap-flap through the Bosphorus, flap-flap on the Black Sea, flap-flap through the Danube's Delta, flap-flap on the Danube, flap-flap on the Siret, and here she comes home!
Well, soon the Crocodile e-mailed her, also sending her a greeting card with a picture of Himself during the Carnival in Rio (he was with two chicks there but he edited them out of the photo), the Duckling promptly answered, sending him also some jepegs with the Monasteries in Moldavia and Bukovina and the Bran Castle (saying it was "Dracula's Castle", to make it seem more exciting)... And so, after a while, having a few days off, our Crocodile came to a decision: why wouldn't he also make a visit to her - he had studied some web-sites also, about Romania, saw that there were plenty of opportunities to capitalize there, well, a bit of bureaucracy, a bit of corruption, of course, but where isn't any bureaucracy and corruption, after all? So, he prepared his folder with investments projects, loaded his camera with fresh film, also took his video camera and bought some brand-new digital items, and off he went, waging his strong tail:
Swish-swish on the Orinoco River, swish-swish through the Orinoco Delta, swish-swish on the Atlantic Ocean, swish-swish among the Green Cape Islands, swish-swish by the Biafra Gulf, swish-swish by the Benin Gulf, swish-swish around the Needles' Cape, swish-swish around the Good Hope's Cape, swish-swish by the Madagascar, swish-swish on the Indian Ocean, swish-swish around the Guardafui Cape, swish-swish on the Aden Gulf, swish-swish thourgh the Bab-el-Mandeb Straits, swish-swish on the Red Sea, swish-swish through the Suez Channel, swish-swish on the Mediterranean Sea, swish-swish among the Greek Archipelago, swish-swish on the Aegean Sea, swish-swish through the Dardanelles Strait, swish-swish on the Marmara Sea, swish-swish through the Bosphorus, swish-swish on the Black Sea, swish-swish through the Danube's Delta...
(Here, he got a bit confused about those three channels, but he managed, buying a Romanian Touristic Guide from a boutique in Sulina...)
...so, swish-swish on the Danube, swish-swish on the Siret, and here he is!
Our Duckling, seeing him, was out of herself, "Oh, gee, - muac! muac! - wow, I positively can't BELIEVE it, what are you DOING here, in this God-forsaken place?" "Oh, well," he answered, "I was just passing by, looking for some opportunities to make business around, in Ukraine, in Croatia, in Slovenija, you see, and I said, what the heck, let's make a visit to my favorite Romanian friend... And how are YOU, dearie...?"
She introduced him to her mother - the Crocodile, courteous and gallant as he was, he made an excellent impression to the lady - then she took him to the Bank office to meet her colleagues - you can imagine, all during the last month they were all speaking only about him, she had used that flap of leather to make a cute handbag, and the remainings she had given to the gurls to cut also some wrist-watch bracelets from them... Then, she took him to see the monasteries, the Bran Castle (she said again it was Dracula's, and he believed her and got very impressed)... About the investments, it was a bit tricky, because a new left-hand party had just won the elections and was threatening to kick out all Western investors and look instead for opportunities with the Russian and the Chinese, so he decided to wait a bit... And, one week later, not to abuse her hospitality, he took his good-byes, they promised to e-mail each other's and off went home our Crocodile, vigorously wagging his strong tail:
Swish-swish on the Siret, swish-swish on the Danube, swish-swish through the Danube's Delta, swish-swish on the Black Sea, swish-swish through the Bosphorus, swish-swish on the Marmara Sea, swish-swish through the Dardanelles Strait, swish-swish on the Aegean Sea, swish-swish among the Greek Archilepago, swish-swish on the Mediterranean Sea, swish-swish through the Suez Channel, swish-swish on the Red Sea, swish-swish thourgh the Bab-el-Mandeb Straits, swish-swish on the Aden Gulf, swish-swish around the Guardafui Cape, swish-swish on the Indian Ocean, swish-swish by the Madagascar, swish-swish around the Good Hope's Cape, swish-swish around the Needles' Cape, swish-swish by the Benin Gulf, swish-swish by the Biafra Gulf, swish-swish among the Green Cape Islands, swish-swish on the Atlantic Ocean, swish-swish through the Orinoco Delta, swish-swish on the Orinoco River, and so he got home...
After a while, the Momma said to the Duckling:
"Listen here, gurl, I was thinking... You, dearie, you are just ripe for marriage! You met this nice and decent gentleman... well, gentlecroc, I mean... there, he has an age, you know, very mature, very wise I'd say, and he has his own business, I think this might be an ideal opportunity for you! Why don't you try and see what the chances are?"
"Gosh, Momma, what a splendid idea! I'll send him an e-mail - or better, ask him directly, tonight when we will chat on the MSN!"
The old lady laughed gently:
"Now, now, gurl, this won't work so! It's a too serious matter, you should discuss it PERSONALLY, not by these tricky machines, you should ask him as it's proper to do, in the old-fashioned way - come on, apply for a new visa and go make him a visit!"
At the same time, in South America, all his cronies in the bar were all over the Crocodile:
"Come on, croc, you reached a certain age, be happy you are still fit, but this won't last long now, you know, you should settle to your own family, and hurry till you can, cause soon not even a short-sighted turtle will look at you! Now you met this cute little thingie there, we all approve of her, she doesn't seem the kind to hunt only after your money, or cheat on you, or at least as long as you are still able to satisfy her - come on, croc, MOVE, go there and see what direction is the wind blowing from!"
Well, the wind was blowing from a good direction, since our Crocodile had just seen at CNN that there had been a coup and the extreme-left ruling party in Romania was replaced by the moderately-right wing of an extreme-center alliance, who had also brought the old King back in the country, and all the Western investors were running back, so he took his documents, and a bunch of jungle-flowers, and off he went.
And so, they started at the same time, she flapping her nice paws, he wagging his vigorous tail:
She, flap-flap on the Siret, he, swish-swish on the Orinoco River, she, flap-flap on the Danube, he, swish-swish through the Orinoco Delta, she, flap-flap through the Danube's Delta, he, swish-swish on the Atlantic Ocean, she, flap-flap on the Black Sea, he, swish-swish among the Green Cape Islands, she, flap-flap through the Bosphorus, he, swish-swish by the Biafra Gulf, she, flap-flap on the Marmara Sea, he, swish-swish by the Benin Gulf, she, flap-flap through the Dardanelles Strait, he, swish-swish around the Needles' Cape, she, flap-flap on the Aegean Sea, he, swish-swish around the Good Hope's Cape, she, flap-flap among the Greek Archilepago, he, swish-swish by the Madagascar, she, flap-flap on the Mediterranean Sea, he, swish-swish on the Indian Ocean, she, flap-flap through the Suez Channel, he, swish-swish around the Guardafui Cape, she, flap-flap on the Red Sea, he, swish-swish on the Aden Gulf, she, flap-flap thourgh the Bab-el-Mandeb Straits, he, swish-swish thourgh the Bab-el-Mandeb Straits...
But... it happend that it was in the middle of the night!
And they PASSED EACH OTHER WITHOUT SEEING!
And each one continued their own way:
She, flap-flap on the Aden Gulf, he, swish-swish on the Red Sea, she, flap-flap around the Guardafui Cape, he, swish-swish through the Suez Channel, she, flap-flap on the Indian Ocean, he, swish-swish on the Mediterranean Sea, she, flap-flap by the Madagascar, he, swish-swish among the Greek Archipelago, she, flap-flap around the Good Hope's Cape, he, swish-swish on the Aegean Sea, she, flap-flap around the Needles' Cape, he, swish-swish through the Dardanelles Strait, she, flap-flap by the Benin Gulf, he, swish-swish on the Marmara Sea, she, flap-flap by the Biafra Gulf, he, swish-swish through the Bosphorus, she, flap-flap among the Green Cape Islands, he, swish-swish on the Black Sea, she, flap-flap on the Atlantic Ocean, he, swish-swish through the Danube's Delta (now, he had learned what channel to use), she, flap-flap through the Orinoco Delta, he, swish-swish on the Danube, she, flap-flap on the Orinoco River, he, swish-swish on the Siret...
So, as he got at her home, the Crocodile went inside, "Good-afternoon, lady, how do you do?" "Well, there you are, what a pleasant surprise!" "Yeah, you know, I learned about these political developments and I thought let's have a look - and where is our dear young lady, is she working over-time, or in a holiday perhaps...?" "What, you mean you didn't MEET?" "What are you saying, lady? Where should I have met her?" "But, she went away to visit you! Didn't you meet her on the way?"
She went to visit me and I didn't meet her on the way...? wondered the Crocodile. Oh, my God! She certainly went to another guy! Or, who knows...? Maybe, still... Let's get back home, in a hurry!
At the same time, a similar scene was taking place in South America. "Well-well-well, look who's here, our little Missy!" "Hi, guys, wassup?" "Nothing much, sweetie - hey, did you meet our old chap Croc?" "No, where could I have possibly met him?" The cronies exchanged glances... Then, one of them said: "Well, I really don't know if I should tell ya but... You see... He TOLD us that he was going to visit you...!"
Oh, no! And we didn't meet on our way? That's it, he must have dumped me - he went to another gurl!
Desperate, the Duckling started running back home... And here they went:
He swish-swish on the Siret she flap-flap on the Orinoco River he swish-swish on the Danube she flap-flap through the Orinoco Delta he swish-swish through the Danube's Delta she flap-flap on the Atlantic Ocean he swish-swish on the Black Sea she flap-flap among the Green Cape Islands he swish-swish through the Bosphorus she flap-flap by the Biafra Gulf he swish-swish on the Marmara Sea she flap-flap by the Benin Gulf he swish-swish through the Dardanelles Strait she flap-flap around the Needles' Cape he swish-swish on the Aegean Sea she flap-flap around the Good Hope's Cape he swish-swish among the Greek Archilepago she flap-flap by the Madagascar he swish-swish on the Mediterranean Sea she flap-flap on the Indian Ocean he swish-swish through the Suez Channel she flap-flap around the Guardafui Cape he swish-swish on the Red Sea she flap-flap on the Aden Gulf he swish-swish thourgh the Bab-el-Mandeb Straits she flap-flap thourgh the Bab-el-Mandeb Straits...
But... it was AGAIN in the middle of the night! And AGAIN they passed each other WITHOUT SEEING themselves!
And each one continued their own way: he swish-swish on the Aden Gulf she flap-flap on the Red Sea he swish-swish around the Guardafui Cape she flap-flap through the Suez Channel he swish-swish on the Indian Ocean she flap-flap on the Mediterranean Sea he swish-swish by the Madagascar she flap-flap among the Greek Archipelago he swish-swish around the Good Hope's Cape she flap-flap on the Aegean Sea he swish-swish around the Needles' Cape she flap-flap through the Dardanelles Strait he swish-swish by the Benin Gulf she flap-flap on the Marmara Sea he swish-swish by the Biafra Gulf she flap-flap through the Bosphorus he swish-swish among the Green Cape Islands she flap-flap on the Black Sea he swish-swish on the Atlantic Ocean she flap-flap through the Danube's Delta he swish-swish through the Orinoco Delta she flap-flap on the Danube he swish-swish on the Orinoco River she flap-flap on the Siret...
The Duckling got home the first, saw he wasn't there, she didn't even bother to ask her mother anything, she swallowed a hand of pills and died peacefully in her sleep... The Crocodile, more elegantly and macho style, blew his brains our with his Magnum, perishing of a dignified and heroic death...
And so ended the sad and beautiful story of the two pure souls which Fate didn't want to stay together and happily live ever after, which must be a deep lesson and a wise moral for all of you:
NEVER DRIVE BY NIGHT WITHOUT YOUR POSITION LIGHTS ON!!!*
(Learned from Liviu Ornea, 1978)
(Perfected and lenghtened, 1988, translated and modernized, 05.23.2001, Mihnea Columbeanu)
__________________________________________________ __________
* - "Nu circulati noaptea färä lumini de pozitie!" - de unde si titlul filmului (n.Pb.)
|
19 Sep 2007, 15:28
Copyright© 2000-2025 Cinemagia® 
