The Seinfeld Chronicals

[BeNnY]

Ai ratat niste faze MONUMENTALE

Uite unul din episoade:

The Chinese Woman

Episode #90 (6.04: season 6, episode 4), 13 Oct 1994.

The Cast:
CharacterActorJerry Seinfeld Jerry Seinfeld George Costanza
Jason Alexander Kramer Michael Richards Elaine Benes Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Donna Chang Angela Dohrmann Estelle CostanzaEstelle Harris Frank
Costanza Jerry Stiller


[JERRY and ELAINE walking down the street. ELAINE is carrying two
plastic grocery bags and one big paper grocery bag. JERRY is carrying
none and is pretending to not notice the discrepancy.]

JERRY
Good shave today..

ELAINE
[wry/sarcastic] Don't worry, Jerry, I can manage these bags; really I'm
fine.

JERRY
I'm thinkin' of lettin' my sideburns grow in a little..

ELAINE
Can we rest here a second.

JERRY
[pause] Yeah, I guess.

[She sits on the stairs of a small entryway.]

JERRY
.. So how's Noreen?

ELAINE
Mm! She's got a new boyfriend: Paul.

JERRY
Already? That was fast.. I assume he's not a High Talker..

ELAINE
No, but, he has, The Worst Habit. Whenever he answers the phone, he
won't put Noreen right on. Ya haveta go through, like, ten minutes of
chit-chat.

JERRY
A Long Talker.

ELAINE
Yeah! But he is so boring! But now, whenever he answers the phone: I
just hang up.

JERRY
[pause] All right; let's move it out.

[ELAINE gets her bags.]

JERRY
Hey, isn't that George's father?

ELAINE
Oh, yeah, it is! Should we say hello?

JERRY
I've never seen him in Manhattan before; it's weird. So out of context.

ELAINE
That man he's with: is he wearing a cape?

JERRY
I believe he is wearing a cape.

ELAINE
Why is Mr. Costanza with a man in a cape?

JERRY
Well, it is good cape weather. Cool. Breezy.

ELAINE
Yeah, why a cape? Who wears a cape? Where do you even get a cape?

JERRY
You're right; it is strange. In fact, let's cross to the other side of
the street. Cover me.

[ELAINE positions the bags to cover her face and upper body. JERRY walks
by her so he's out of view, too.]

[End of Intro-- time: 1:23]
[Commercial Break]

[JERRY and ELAINE arrive at JERRY's "house."]

JERRY
Just, ah, plop it on the counter there.

[ELAINE drops one bag deliberately and throws the others on the counter.
He hadn't helped her at all on the way--payback time. Then, during the
following, she spends a lot of time looking for food in the bags and
puts some in one bag--presumably hers.]

JERRY
Oh! I got a message. [presses button on phone machine]

GEORGE
[on tape] Hey, it's George. I got nothin' to say.. [beeeep]

ELAINE
That sounds Urgent..

JERRY
Let me call him back..
Hello?? Who is this?
Donna Chang? Oh, I'm sorry, I must o' dialed the wrong number.

ELAINE
Donna Chang?

JERRY
[is redialing] Should've talked to her; I love Chinese women.

ELAINE
Isn't that a little racist?

JERRY
If I like their race, how can that be racist?..
Hellooo??..
Oh, is this Donna Chang again?!..
Yyy-yes, I am calling George..
Oh, the lines are crossed; you're getting his calls. Well, what do you
know?!

[KRAMER comes in. He's got a bottle of water. JERRY stays on the line to
chat with Donna.]

JERRY
So listen..

KRAMER
I'm goin' through this stuff like water.. [to JERRY] Who you talkin' to?

ELAINE
He's on with a Chinese woman.

KRAMER
Oooo, ooooo. You know, I dig Asian women. [a little distracted, pulling
down his underwear in back, through his pants]

ELAINE
You got a.. comfort problem there?

KRAMER
Yeah, I think these Jockeys shrunk.

ELAINE
I thought you wore silk underwear.

KRAMER
No. Well, you know, I wore 'em for about a month but I couldn't stay
with it. Yeah, I need the secure packaging of Jockeys. [he's serious.
Then he makes a hand gesture of grabbing up.] My boys need a house.

ELAINE
[not charmed..] That's nice.
Listen, Kramer, you know, if you ever want to have kids you shouldn't
wear briefs. Boxers are much better for your sperm count.

KRAMER
Sperm count?
Well how many ssssperm should I have?

ELAINE
A lot.

[JERRY comes back. He'd wandered into the bedroom and is now off the
phone.]

JERRY
I got a date!

ELAINE
With the Chinese woman?!

JERRY
She knew who I was! She saw me in a club one time! My first date ever
with the Pacific Rim. I'm very excited.

KRAMER
Jerry. Did ya ever have your sperm count checked?

JERRY
No, why should I? I wear boxers.

KRAMER
You ever get a woman pregnant?

JERRY
I'm sorry, Kramer. Those records are permanently sealed..

KRAMER
What would you say if I told you, "I never impregnated a woman"?

JERRY
Really? You never slipped one past the goalie in all these years??..

Boy, I'm surprised. You've slept with a lot of women, I--

KRAMER
A lot of 'em! [wild gesture, freaked out]

Do you think maybe I'm.. Depleted??!!

JERRY
Well, I'm sure you're not.. Totally Depleted.

KRAMER
Well, but what if I am? I'm the last male Kramer! We're facing extinc
tion!

JERRY
Well, go to a fertility clinic. Have your sperm count checked.

KRAMER
Yeah, but then I'd have to.. well, you know.. into a cup? In the middle
of the day??

ELAINE
Does that conflict with your regular schedule?

[KRAMER, distracted, leaves.]

ELAINE
[going to the phone, she's been eating chips from small package of them]
All right. I'm gonna try Noreen again.

JERRY
I am very excited about this date! We're goin' to Hunan Balcony!

ELAINE
She's Chinese so you suggest Chinese food?

JERRY
She suggested it!

ELAINE
I thought Chinese don't eat Chinese..

JERRY
She's very assimilated.

[ELAINE's on the phone--we hear a male, "Hello?" on the other end.
ELAINE quickly hangs up.]

JERRY
Paul again?

ELAINE
[matter of fact] You can't get one ring past him.

[GEORGE comes in.]

GEORGE
Hey, hey, hey! You don't call me back?!

JERRY
I tried! Your line's crossed with a Chinese woman!

GEORGE
Uh?

ELAINE
[coming toward GEORGE to sit over by JERRY, who's on the arm of the
couch. GEORGE is standing.] Hey, George, we saw your father on the
street before.

GEORGE
What's he doin' in the city today?

[They both shrug.]

GEORGE
You didn't ask him?

[They both shake heads no. ELAINE's eating chips.]

GEORGE
You didn't say hello?

ELAINE
Well, he was with someone.
A man.. In a cape.

GEORGE
Why was he wearing a cape?..

[ELAINE and JERRY shrug.]

GEORGE
Was my father wearing a cape?

JERRY
No. Jacket and tie: no cape.

GEORGE
Huh.. Cape.. [turns, slowly goes to door] W--a man with a cape doin'
with my father?..What was my father doing with a man in a cape? ..
[opens door] Why a cape? [out the door and gone]


[Fertility clinic. In an examination room. KRAMER's waiting. The DOCTOR
comes in.]

DOCTOR
The results of your sperm test are in.
Well, ummm.. Are you planning to start a family?

KRAMER
Yes! I would like to! Very much!..
Well, I'm low, now, aren't I? I ca--I can feel it!...

DOCTOR
Yes, I'm afraid you're a little low.

KRAMER
Ohhh. Man!! It's over! The Kramer name is finished! I'm never goin' to
procreate! I--

DOCTOR
Hey--that's not necessarily true. There are measures you can take to
improve your fertility.

KRAMER
All right, all right. What. What. You tell me; I'll do anything. Come
on, Doc, tell me.

DOCTOR
First thing: you should wear boxer shorts.

KRAMER
All the time?

DOCTOR
All the time. Ya have to get off Jockeys right away.

KRAMER
Yeah, but I've always worn Jockeys.

[At ELAINE's. She's in her robe and talking on the phone, blowing a hair
dryer onto the phone.]

ELAINE
Hi Paul! It's Elaine calling!
Yeah, I'm calling from a car phone so I don't really have time to talk.
Is, is, uh, Noreen there?!.. Oh. She's not?! Okay, great. Well you can
just tell her I called, then, an'--

Well, yes. It has been unseasonably cool lately..

Oh, okay, well, I'm pulling up to the building now. So, I'm gonna..

[a little later, is sitting] Yeah, I took 20%, too..

Uuum. Look it's uh.. [turns hair dryer on and off] Paul. The.. car..
seems to be running out of gas. .. I'm gonna.. have to get off the
phone. [hangs up]


[Night. The Hunan Balcony. JERRY's in the waiting area, in a good mood,
sitting next to a GUY.]

HOSTESS
Just let me know when the rest of your party has arrived, sir.

JERRY
Yes, I will.

GUY
[indicating a cigarette] Mind?

JERRY
[good mood] No--go ahead--I second-hand smoke two packs a day.

[DONNA CHANG walks up. She's not oriental. But is good-looking.]

DONNA
Jerry.

JERRY
[pause] 'scuse me?

DONNA
Hi. Sorry I'm late.

JERRY
Who're you?

DONNA
I'm Donna Chang..

JERRY
[stands, in shock, it's not sinking in] What do you mean?

DONNA
I mean: I'm Donna Chang.

JERRY
[pause] You're Donna Chang?

DONNA
Did you think I was Chinese?..

JERRY
Oh. No. Oh, you mean because of the "Chang"?

DONNA
Actually, the family name wasn't originally Chang.

JERRY
I didn't think so.

DONNA
It used to be "Changstein."

[Day. At Jerry's, ELAINE and JERRY. She's making herself a bowl of
Raisin Bran.]

ELAINE
She's not Chinese?

JERRY
No. Not Chinese.
Not even Asian.

ELAINE
So. What is she?

JERRY
Well, she's.. like you.

ELAINE
[pause] Oh, how.. disappointed you must have been. [walks to couch, with
her cereal]

JERRY
Well, it's false advertising, see? And the thing is, I think she likes
people thinkin' she's Chinese. She suggests Chinese food. She always
introduces herself as "Donna Chang,"..

ELAINE
So why're you seeing her again..

JERRY
Well, she is a woman.

ELAINE
I spoke to Paul an' Noreen. They might be breakin' up.

JERRY
Really?

ELAINE
Well, maybe.

JERRY
[sits on couch as something occurs to him] Hey, wouldn't it be funny if
Paul an' Noreen broke up because o' you kept hangin' up on him?

ELAINE
[pause] What do you mean?

JERRY
Well, you know if Paul thought it was some guy.. hangin' up because he
was having an affair with Noreen?

[As ELAINE considers the implications, KRAMER comes in. he's got a pile
of underwear in his hands.]

KRAMER
Here. Take my Jockey shorts.

[JERRY leaps up and KRAMER's following him as JERRY walks backward
around the apartment during the following.]

ELAINE
Whoa! Whoa!

JERRY
What is that?!!

KRAMER
Look, you gotta help me. I have to get off Jockey shorts.

JERRY
Wha--you have a low sperm count?

KRAMER
Very low! Come on, Jerry. Take 'em.

JERRY
Nnnoo--I don't want 'em.

KRAMER
Jerry, look! You gotta help me! I can't have 'em near me! If I have one
pair in my house, I'm gonna wear them!

JERRY
Look! I don't want 'em!

KRAMER
All it takes is one pair! Now, come on!

JERRY
I'm not gonna be able to sleep if those are in the house!

[KRAMER's put the pile on Jerry's table and is grabbing at his own
pants.]

KRAMER
Boxers! How do you wear these things!! Look at that--they're baggin' up,
they're rising in! An' there's nothing holding me in place! I'm flip
pin'! I'm floppin'!

[ELAINE's distracted by disgust.]

KRAMER
What am I gonna do!? Jerry! I'm goin' crazy in these things! [leaves]

JERRY
[calmly turns back to The Pile on his table] Well. I'm gonna have to
move now.

[At Monk's. GEORGE and his FATHER at a booth.]

FRANK
Ya know what I like about Manhattan? There's no mosquitoes.

GEORGE
Plenty of mosquitoes.

FRANK
Queens is full of mosquitoes.

GEORGE
So, Dad..

FRANK
Gnats, too. If I'm not mistaken.

GEORGE
Dad! I heard you were in the city the other day!

FRANK
Your mother has to tell you every move I make!?

GEORGE
No.. Jerry and Elaine saw you.

FRANK
They didn't say hello?

GEORGE
Well, they were in a rush.

FRANK
They couldn't just say hello?! .. Oh, to hell with them.

GEORGE
They, uh.. said you were with some guy who was wearing a cape, ha ha.

FRANK
Elaine, I can see, not sayin' hello. She's very--what's the
word--supercilious.

GEORGE
So Dad.

FRANK
How could Jerry not say Hello?!!

[Night. At JERRY's with he and DONNA CHANG. She's on the couch and he's
drying the dishes. She's just hung up the phone.]

JERRY
So did they, uh, uncross the lines, yet?

DONNA
No. They can't find the problem. It's really getting ridicurous.

JERRY
[long pause--did he hear "ridicurous"--should he say something--can't
decide if he should. finally..] Did you say, "ridicurous"?

DONNA
Ridiculous.

JERRY
[pause] I thought you said.. "ridicurous." [he and she look at each
other, puzzled.]

[GEORGE comes in.]

JERRY
Oh, what are you doing here?

GEORGE
Oh, I wanted to, [notices DONNA] talk to you--I'm sorry, I--didn't know
you had company. [JERRY indicates he should stay] Hi, uh, I'm George.

DONNA
Oh! Hi! [they shake hands] I'm Donna Chang. [GEORGE to himself registers
that as weird, is heading to the kitchen.]

I just spoke to your mother before.

GEORGE
[pause] You spoke to my mother?

DONNA
She was trying to call you, but--

JERRY
The rines were crossed?

[They both look at him weird.]

GEORGE
Did you say, "The rines were crossed?"

JERRY
Did I?

DONNA
[pause] George, she's so sweet. We talked for an hour!
Anyway, I'm really sorry.

GEORGE
Sorry? Why sorry? What do you have to be sorry for?

DONNA
Well, she told me she and your father are getting divorced.

[JERRY and DONNA watch as GEORGE immediately and ritually goes to the
oven, turns on the gas, opens the door and sticks his head in it.]

[End of Act I-- time: 10:18]
[Commercial Break]

[Same night, at JERRY's apartment--Donna's left. ELAINE's there.]

ELAINE
Divorced. That's really too bad..

JERRY
Yeah, you know it's a shame his parents didn't get divorced thirty years
ago. He could have been normal.

GEORGE
[coming out of bathroom] Oh my God! You know what I just realized?! If
they get divorced an' live in two separate places? That's twice as many
visits!

JERRY
I never thought of that.

GEORGE
Imagine if I had to see them both on the same day? [mirthless] Haha!
It's like runnin' the double marathon!

ELAINE
Hey George, did you have any idea that anything was wrong?

JERRY
Have you ever spent any time with these people..?

GEORGE
You know what this has to do with? The man in the cape--I bet you he is
mixed up in this!

I don't trust men in capes.

JERRY
You can't cast aspersions on someone just because they're wearin' a
cape. .. Superman wore a cape.. An' I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand
here an' let you say something bad about him.

GEORGE
All right Superman's the exception.

ELAINE
[has been watching that with amazed disbelief]

[KRAMER enters.]

KRAMER
Oh, hey! Elaine, I just heard that Noreen and Paul are breaking up. I
want you to put in a good word for me. [to JERRY] I've always had a
thing for Noreen.

ELAINE
Oh, Kramer. You don't understand. This could be my fault.

KRAMER
Well, if she's available now, I'm not gonna let her slip through my
fingers this time. Nooope. [walking around at ease, some dancy moves]

JERRY
Well it looks like you've adjusted to the boxers..

KRAMER
Wellll, I wouldn't go as far as that.

JERRY
You went back to the Jockeys?

KRAMER
Wrong again.

JERRY
[pause] Oh, no.

ELAINE
What? What?..

JERRY
Don't you see what's goin' on here??? .. No boxers, no Jockeys..

ELAINE
Eeaawww...

JERRY
The only thing between us is a thin layer of gabardine..

JERRY
Kramer, say it isn't so.

KRAMER
Oh, it be so.

I'm out there, Jerry, an' I'm lllovin' every minute of it!!!

JERRY
Don't you need a little.. help?

KRAMER
Surprisingly, no. I'm freee, I'm unfettered.. [opens door to leave,
still very happy, then:] I'm like a naked innocent boy rrroamin' the
countryside!!

[Day. At Monk's. ELAINE and NOREEN are sitting at the counter. We're
looking straight at them.]

ELAINE
Well, you guys are tryin' to work it ouut! That's great!..

NOREEN
Yeah, well.. We're trying.. He just went insane there for a while..

ELAINE
Oh, he went insane?..

NOREEN
Believe it or not: Paul was convinced I was having an affair because
somebody kept calling and hanging up whenever he answered! What kind of
a Sick Person calls and hangs up over and over?

ELAINE
[awkward, defensive yet hypothetical, avoids eye contact] Well. Uh. I
don't know about sick. I mean, maybe it was somebody who, didn't wanna,
talk to whoever was answering because whoever was answering was always
making, boring chit-chat, an' was completely oblivious to the fact that
the person who was calling, didn't want to speak to them, ah!

NOREEN
[has been growing increasingly slackjawed in amazement] I can't believe
that was you..

ELAINE
[looks at NOREEN] I'm really sorry, Noreen..

NOREEN
[pause] So you thought he was boring?

ELAINE
Hey! Noreen! Don't go by me! Ha ha.

NOREEN
[reconsidering Paul's worthiness.]

[Day. JERRY and ELAINE at Jerry's apartment.]

JERRY
What are you doin' to this woman?! This is the second relationship
you've ruined for her in a few weeks!!

ELAINE
I know--

JERRY
First you ruin her relationship with the High Talker.

ELAINE
Well, Jer--I got confused, they sound exactly the same.

JERRY
So she breaks up with him. Somehow picks up the pieces of her life. Mira
culously meets: A New Guy! Ya bust that up! An' then, just as they're
reconciling, you announce to the world: He's Boring.

ELAINE
[apologetically] I didn't know she'd take it so seriously.

JERRY
Well, apparently you have a tremendous influence over this woman!
Anything you say she does!

[Door bell buzzes. JERRY goes over, hits the button.]

JERRY
Yeah.

DONNA
It's Donna Chang.

JERRY

[Sm�agol-Gollum]

asta-i tot episodu?? :o

[christi]

Ca tot veni vorba de scenarii.... http://www.seinfeldscripts.com

[notorious]

YEEEEEEAH!

tin minte faza cu boxerii! multumesc, benny. stiam eu ca trebuie sa-l fi vazut initial... sper sa nu mi se mai intample asa ceva...

[BeNnY]

Hei! Acum vad! N-a incaput tot episodul! Mai era... :roll:

[Bogie]

Care ati vazut marti seara "The Switch"? Foarte bun episodul. Stie cineva ce film parodiaza? chestia cu planul perfect, "You dissapoint me, my friend" etc.
Traducerea este execrabila, nu am savurat episoadele chinuindu-ma sa nu ma uit la subtitrare. Stiu ca e foarte greu de tradus dar chiar asa de prost...Dialogurile sunt rapide astfel incat traducerea ar trebui sa fie cat mai scurta, in schimb astia o lungesc pe 2 randuri.

[BeNnY]

Eu nu ma uit la subtitrari tocmai din cauza prostiei pe care o prezinta... Am vazut episodul "The Switch"... excelent episodul! Unul din cele mai bune!

[Mircius]

ati vazut mai, filmu ala (show-ul) cu Seinfeld (nu ma refer la un episod).... Benny sa-mi spui daca ti-a placut. Daca il doreste careva sa-mi spuna.... il am eu pe cd....

[Bogie]

Intrebare: de ce Kramer se simte "ca acasa" in aprtamentul lui Jerry?

[ogto]

Este un spisod in care totul merge invers... Vedem o scena, dupaia cu 5 min inainte, dupaia cu o zi inainte, dupaia cu o sapt etc. E cu o nunta episodul. Si la sfarsit ajung la momentul cand se muta Jerry in apt. si il cunoste pe Kramer. Il invita inautru la o pizza si zice: "What's mine is yours"... De aici incepe totul...

[blitz43]

episodul cu nazistul cu supa a fost sau o sa fie?

in sfârsit a fost si episodul asta...
prima oara când a fost difuzat de prostv nu l-am vazut, asa ca... :lol:
ce-ar mai fi de spus? BOSCO... :w00t:

[raptor]

AM SI EU O INTREBARE.CINE E ACTRITA AIA BLONDUTA PUTIN CARE A APARUT IN AL DOILEA EPISOD DE IERI SEARA,MARTI,8 IUNIE SI DUPA CARE MIUNA GEORGE? :oops:

[Gaandalf]

AM SI EU O INTREBARE.CINE E ACTRITA AIA BLONDUTA PUTIN CARE A APARUT IN AL DOILEA EPISOD DE IERI SEARA,MARTI,8 IUNIE SI DUPA CARE MIUNA GEORGE? :oops:

da shi tu mai multe detalii despre episod ...
+ am akasa episodul 922-923 cu procesul shi totzi care-i acuza da nu ma indur sa ma uit... ashtept la TV :lol:

[Jay]

Episodul de joi seara.... Geniala lagatura lui Newman cu Keitel din Pulp.

[Bogie]

Episodul de joi seara...spune ceva despre el ca nu toti stim care este.

[Danny]

marti din cate imi aduc aminte a fost episodul cu "pacientul englez" si celalalt cu periuta de dinti cazuta in toaleta...

[Sm�agol-Gollum]

super fain episonu cu "english pacient"...cum se numea celalalt film (cel la care vroia sa se uite elaine)?

[BeNnY]

da shi tu mai multe detalii despre episod ...
+ am akasa episodul 922-923 cu procesul shi totzi care-i acuza da nu ma indur sa ma uit... ashtept la TV :lol:

Cum adica episodul 922 - 923 ?! :huh:

[Danica]

super fain episonu cu "english pacient"...cum se numea celalalt film (cel la care vroia sa se uite elaine)?

"Bag family "daca imi amintesc bine..iar faza cu "Mori ,mori nu mai povesti despre deshert shi mori .." SUPER!!

[BeNnY]

"Bag family "daca imi amintesc bine..iar faza cu "Mori ,mori nu mai povesti despre deshert shi mori .." SUPER!!

Nu se numea Bag Family! Era ceva de genul Sack Lunch...