[Lady_Skar]

to: ms. halle berry
from:the academy of motion picture arts and sciences
re:"catwoman"
dear ms. berry
while we at the academy pride ourselves on having open minds and a strict noninterference policy concerning the roles chosen by our previous winners, we're forced to make an exception in your case.
if you would consult the paperwork that arrived with your stattuette, i would direct you to section e, subsection 2b, in which the academy can, in limited circumstances, rescind an award and request return of the statuette.
the specific language in question refers to winners who bring "shame, ridicule or derision" upon the academy through "wanton, reckless, and repeated dramatic incompetence." given your consistent overacting and mugging in "catwoman"(not to mention your previous work in gothika), i think it would be difficult to argue this codicil does not apply.
so at this time, we'd like to ask for our award back. while not related directly to this proceeding, the judicial board did pose several questions that you might entertain for our benefit.
(1)hwo exactly does your character, patience phillips, turn into catwoman?
shes lying on the ground and a cat crawls on her, and then she has superpowers. we realize its an egyptian cat, but it seems like such an animal would be more likely to make her "walk like an egyptian" than teach her ride a motorcycle and drive an 18-wheeler.
(2)how does patiences cop boyfriend (benjamin bratt) manage to show up in 20 seconds, no matter where and when catwoman is? does he have superpowers, too? because we dont think he had superpowers on "law&order."
(3)did pitof realize that the special effects look like an atari videogame on the fritz?
this wretched film is nothing but an excuse to show you wearing that skimpy leather suit, though oftentimes, its a computer-generated you wearing a computer-generated leather suit. it carries a sever cringe factor, such as when patiences boyfriend is told upon arresting catwoman, "you lost your woman but got your man". ick.
after a search of our files, we were surprised to learn that your costar in "catwoman", sharon stone, has also been nominated for an oscar. in "catwoman", she seems to be confused, speaking her lines as if she was the title character in "i, robot".
please slip the statuette into the included padded, self-addressed, stamped envelope. along with the catsuit.
Meow!!!!