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Gaandalf · 11 Jun 2004, 14:01

Bree, Weathertop, and the Flight to the Ford (3 in 1 very good offer)
(The hobbits reach Bree. They enter the Dancing Donkey. They go over to the bar and ask for Gandalf. Aragorn stands in the corner. The hobbits all order huge glasses of orange juice. Frodo gets knocked over by a guy. The Ring drops from his hand. Lying on the floor Frodo gives that guy the middle finger and without any notice the rings falls on his finger. Everybody disappears. Frodo looks confused. One man remains. Aragorn grabs Frodo and yanks him upstairs. He throws him on the floor).

ARAGORN: I have the ability to ignore people. But to make them disappear entirely? That is a rare gift! That is a dangerous power you possess.
FRODO: I carry nothing.
ARAGORN: Did I say u carry anything? You gave yourself away. (Sam and Pippin (finishing a muffin) run in. Aragorn jumps, then tries to look like he hadn’t been startled.)
SAM: If you hurt him I will run away and cry like a baby!
ARAGORN: You have plenty of fear, Master Hobbit. That will get you into plenty of trouble, and Nebraska. (Merry rushes in looking very frightened.)
FRODO: There you are!
SAM: Where have you been?
PIPPIN: What’s the matter?
MERRY: I was like, Whoah! And they were like: Whooooah…and then I was like, Whoah… (the other hobbits stare at him)
Pippin: Merry! You got mucus all over my shoulder man!
SAM: What?
ARAGORN: The Black Breath…
Everyone goes to bed. The Nazgul arrive and get a room at the Dancing Donkey. Upon seeing their room – they remain stiff. Only hobbit beds.
Nazgul 7: God damn it! Everything’s goin’ to hell! No ring, no stupid hobbit. Haven’t slept in days!
Nazgul 2: There There! Calm down! Have some candy!
Nazgul 7 : I DON’T WANNAAA!
All of a sudden the nazgul pulls out his sword and starts stabbing the pillows and destroying the room. The other nazgul do the same.
Witchking: What is it that you are doing ?
Nazgul 2: We thought he saw something!
Witchking: Shut up amd sattle up. We’re leaving! After this is all over I’m getting a vacation away from all you fuck-ups!

(Aragorn leads them out of Bree to Weathertop. There, a fight with Nazgûl 2, 5, and 7. Aragorn tosses paper at them. They whine and complain.
Nazgul 7: "Ow! A paper cut! I have pain!" and run off.
The Witch-King pops out and stabs Frodo with a Snickers chocolate bar. Frodo screams in pain. Aragorn chases the Witch-King away. He comes back to Frodo and the other hobbits. He picks up the wrapper and looks around for the rest of the Snickers. Merry licks some icing off his lip, and Pippin licks his fingers clean. Aragorn glares at them.)
Aragorn: That was a Morgul Snickers… finest chocolate in the land. Greedy ass hobbits!

ORTHANC, HOME OF THE SO OBVIOUSLY EVIL SARUMAN

GANDALF:I need your help.
SARUMAN:Blegh. I vant to suck your blood.
GANDALF

espite your creepy demeanor, I’m going
to reveal some secrets.
SARUMAN:I work for Sauron.
GANDALF:You are the wisest of the Wise.
SARUMAN:I’m evil.
GANDALF:I trust you implicitly.
SARUMAN:I’ll make you break dance.
GANDALF:You ARE evil!
GANDALF and SARUMAN have a really silly looking fight.

Narrator: Cut to Arwen Poondomiel …
ARAGORN: Hi Arwen! What’s this? An Elf caught off her guard?
ARWEN: Very funny. – Stinky!
(back to Frodo - Arwen picks up Frodo and, carrying him on her shoulder, runs off. Glorfindel arrives heroically looking like a member from Justice League. Aragorn and the remaining hobbits stare at him.)
GLORFINDEL: What?
ARAGORN: You're late.
GLORFINDEL: What! Fuck noooo!
ARAGORN: She took Frodo.
GLORFINDEL: Not again… I was, like, really looking forward to saving the little Shiring dude. I ain’t gonna be in the theatrical version but now the Special Extended Edition too? (Aragorn pats him on the back sympathetically)

Peter Jackson: Off the set GLORFINDEL – no need for you anymore!
GLORFINDEL – But … But!

Narrator: Dude! Get off the set!
Narrator: “So passes Glorfindel son of … uh! Whatever!”
Narrator: the 1st chase of the story: Arwen with Frodo -stabbed- and The NINE chasing her!
Next scene : the Bruinen River - The Ringwraiths draw their swords (again soooo predictable). Armed with pieces of paper with swords drawn
on them the Ringwraiths start to cross the “river”)

Bruinen River

NAZGÛL 1: Give up the half-wit She-Elf!
ARWEN: (pauses) What will you give me for him?
NAZGÛL 1: Um...
Nazgul 7: I offer to give you a PHD!
Arwen: A what ?
Nazgul 7: A PRETTY HUGE DICK!
Arwen: Hold On to that thought. What else ?
(the Ringwraiths all put their heads together and pull out their wallets)
NAZGÛL 2: (to 5) Where's your wallet? (5 feels around his robe, looks in his robe etc...)
NAZGÛL 5: I left it in my other robe. (the other NAZGÛL groan at him, then go through their wallets)
Nazgul 6: Why the hell do I have to pay for nr 7 ?
Nazgul 7: blah blah blah!
NAZGÛL 3: We've got 15... no 18 New Zealand dollars.
ARWEN: What? 18 mizzly little dollars?
NAZGÛL 5: And a paper clip!
NAZGÛL 3: I gotta tootsie roll!
NAZGÛL 1: Shut up nr3 you’re embarrassing us! She doesn't want a paper clip or a tootsie roll!
NAZGÛL 5: Why not? It's one of those pretty multicolored ones...
NAZGÛL 9: Will you take a check?
GLORFINDEL: (calling from off screen) No! Don't take it! Their checks bounce!
Pee Jay: God Damn it Glorfindel! Get off the set! Security – get this asshole outta my sight!
Pee Jay: Now! One more time … with passion.
Narrator: 17 takes later we go on with the movie or story or whatever …
ARWEN: I'm handling this!
NAZGÛL 8: Here's another 3...
NAZGÛL 1: Okay, we've got, um... (counting on his fingers) 18, 19, 20... 21 dollars and 15 cents!
ARWEN: (shakes her head) There are some things money just can't buy.
NAZGÛL 7: And for everything else there's Master Card.
ARWEN: Sorry, I only take Visa.

Narrator: Wait and see what happens!

ARWEN: “Nino chitraeglir lastobeth daer, Rimmo nin Bruinen danin Ulaer!”
” Nino chitraeglir lastobeth daer, Rimmo nin Bruinen danin Ulaer!”

ARWEN: I said I was handling this!
Narrator: Super Extra Extended Edition footage … You didn’t get this from me ok? But the scene with the river and the horse waves is CGI…(duuuuh!) and there’s Elrond’s 1st scene where we find him with a FIRE DEPARTEMENT water hose and some sprinklers washing away THE “we got 21 dollars & 15 cents” NINE!
ARWEN: I said I was handling this! I RULLLL!

Narrator: You tell them girl!
ARWEN: Yeah! I’m tough, I kick ass, my dad is soo cool… cuz he’s an ELF MASTER – LEVEL 10, I’m beautiful and I AM WEARING NO LENGERIE (screaming out loud so Viggo could hear her!)

Narrator: We will be back soon after some stupid commercials …

11 Jun 2004, 14:01	#28
Gaandalf The White Rider Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: with charlotte Posts: 4,253	Bree, Weathertop, and the Flight to the Ford (3 in 1 very good offer) (The hobbits reach Bree. They enter the Dancing Donkey. They go over to the bar and ask for Gandalf. Aragorn stands in the corner. The hobbits all order huge glasses of orange juice. Frodo gets knocked over by a guy. The Ring drops from his hand. Lying on the floor Frodo gives that guy the middle finger and without any notice the rings falls on his finger. Everybody disappears. Frodo looks confused. One man remains. Aragorn grabs Frodo and yanks him upstairs. He throws him on the floor). ARAGORN: I have the ability to ignore people. But to make them disappear entirely? That is a rare gift! That is a dangerous power you possess. FRODO: I carry nothing. ARAGORN: Did I say u carry anything? You gave yourself away. (Sam and Pippin (finishing a muffin) run in. Aragorn jumps, then tries to look like he hadn’t been startled.) SAM: If you hurt him I will run away and cry like a baby! ARAGORN: You have plenty of fear, Master Hobbit. That will get you into plenty of trouble, and Nebraska. (Merry rushes in looking very frightened.) FRODO: There you are! SAM: Where have you been? PIPPIN: What’s the matter? MERRY: I was like, Whoah! And they were like: Whooooah…and then I was like, Whoah… (the other hobbits stare at him) Pippin: Merry! You got mucus all over my shoulder man! SAM: What? ARAGORN: The Black Breath… Everyone goes to bed. The Nazgul arrive and get a room at the Dancing Donkey. Upon seeing their room – they remain stiff. Only hobbit beds. Nazgul 7: God damn it! Everything’s goin’ to hell! No ring, no stupid hobbit. Haven’t slept in days! Nazgul 2: There There! Calm down! Have some candy! Nazgul 7 : I DON’T WANNAAA! All of a sudden the nazgul pulls out his sword and starts stabbing the pillows and destroying the room. The other nazgul do the same. Witchking: What is it that you are doing ? Nazgul 2: We thought he saw something! Witchking: Shut up amd sattle up. We’re leaving! After this is all over I’m getting a vacation away from all you fuck-ups! (Aragorn leads them out of Bree to Weathertop. There, a fight with Nazgûl 2, 5, and 7. Aragorn tosses paper at them. They whine and complain. Nazgul 7: "Ow! A paper cut! I have pain!" and run off. The Witch-King pops out and stabs Frodo with a Snickers chocolate bar. Frodo screams in pain. Aragorn chases the Witch-King away. He comes back to Frodo and the other hobbits. He picks up the wrapper and looks around for the rest of the Snickers. Merry licks some icing off his lip, and Pippin licks his fingers clean. Aragorn glares at them.) Aragorn: That was a Morgul Snickers… finest chocolate in the land. Greedy ass hobbits! ORTHANC, HOME OF THE SO OBVIOUSLY EVIL SARUMAN GANDALF:I need your help. SARUMAN:Blegh. I vant to suck your blood. GANDALFespite your creepy demeanor, I’m going to reveal some secrets. SARUMAN:I work for Sauron. GANDALF:You are the wisest of the Wise. SARUMAN:I’m evil. GANDALF:I trust you implicitly. SARUMAN:I’ll make you break dance. GANDALF:You ARE evil! GANDALF and SARUMAN have a really silly looking fight. Narrator: Cut to Arwen Poondomiel … ARAGORN: Hi Arwen! What’s this? An Elf caught off her guard? ARWEN: Very funny. – Stinky! (back to Frodo - Arwen picks up Frodo and, carrying him on her shoulder, runs off. Glorfindel arrives heroically looking like a member from Justice League. Aragorn and the remaining hobbits stare at him.) GLORFINDEL: What? ARAGORN: You're late. GLORFINDEL: What! Fuck noooo! ARAGORN: She took Frodo. GLORFINDEL: Not again… I was, like, really looking forward to saving the little Shiring dude. I ain’t gonna be in the theatrical version but now the Special Extended Edition too? (Aragorn pats him on the back sympathetically) Peter Jackson: Off the set GLORFINDEL – no need for you anymore! GLORFINDEL – But … But! Narrator: Dude! Get off the set! Narrator: “So passes Glorfindel son of … uh! Whatever!” Narrator: the 1st chase of the story: Arwen with Frodo -stabbed- and The NINE chasing her! Next scene : the Bruinen River - The Ringwraiths draw their swords (again soooo predictable). Armed with pieces of paper with swords drawn on them the Ringwraiths start to cross the “river”) Bruinen River NAZGÛL 1: Give up the half-wit She-Elf! ARWEN: (pauses) What will you give me for him? NAZGÛL 1: Um... Nazgul 7: I offer to give you a PHD! Arwen: A what ? Nazgul 7: A PRETTY HUGE DICK! Arwen: Hold On to that thought. What else ? (the Ringwraiths all put their heads together and pull out their wallets) NAZGÛL 2: (to 5) Where's your wallet? (5 feels around his robe, looks in his robe etc...) NAZGÛL 5: I left it in my other robe. (the other NAZGÛL groan at him, then go through their wallets) Nazgul 6: Why the hell do I have to pay for nr 7 ? Nazgul 7: blah blah blah! NAZGÛL 3: We've got 15... no 18 New Zealand dollars. ARWEN: What? 18 mizzly little dollars? NAZGÛL 5: And a paper clip! NAZGÛL 3: I gotta tootsie roll! NAZGÛL 1: Shut up nr3 you’re embarrassing us! She doesn't want a paper clip or a tootsie roll! NAZGÛL 5: Why not? It's one of those pretty multicolored ones... NAZGÛL 9: Will you take a check? GLORFINDEL: (calling from off screen) No! Don't take it! Their checks bounce! Pee Jay: God Damn it Glorfindel! Get off the set! Security – get this asshole outta my sight! Pee Jay: Now! One more time … with passion. Narrator: 17 takes later we go on with the movie or story or whatever … ARWEN: I'm handling this! NAZGÛL 8: Here's another 3... NAZGÛL 1: Okay, we've got, um... (counting on his fingers) 18, 19, 20... 21 dollars and 15 cents! ARWEN: (shakes her head) There are some things money just can't buy. NAZGÛL 7: And for everything else there's Master Card. ARWEN: Sorry, I only take Visa. Narrator: Wait and see what happens! ARWEN: “Nino chitraeglir lastobeth daer, Rimmo nin Bruinen danin Ulaer!” ” Nino chitraeglir lastobeth daer, Rimmo nin Bruinen danin Ulaer!” ARWEN: I said I was handling this! Narrator: Super Extra Extended Edition footage … You didn’t get this from me ok? But the scene with the river and the horse waves is CGI…(duuuuh!) and there’s Elrond’s 1st scene where we find him with a FIRE DEPARTEMENT water hose and some sprinklers washing away THE “we got 21 dollars & 15 cents” NINE! ARWEN: I said I was handling this! I RULLLL! Narrator: You tell them girl! ARWEN: Yeah! I’m tough, I kick ass, my dad is soo cool… cuz he’s an ELF MASTER – LEVEL 10, I’m beautiful and I AM WEARING NO LENGERIE (screaming out loud so Viggo could hear her!) Narrator: We will be back soon after some stupid commercials … __________________ "Hollywood is like a 10 story cock f.ucking everything in it's path ... just like Madonna!"