Dude, care mi-a ginit splina? Gen Iisus sau Madalina?
 

Am oroarea de a va prezenta in prima auditie si la a cincea avanpremiera: serialul Dude, care mi-a ginit splina? Gen Iisus sau Madalina? scris de mine, de Ogto si de Benny. Cu acest serial am incercat sa redefinim genul "camp" si sa construim o noua forma de "cult-movie" pentru future generations. Serialul este impartit in cinci episoade, e in engleza (desi titlul e in romana....just STFU!). So.... let the camp-fest begin!

DISCLAIMER:
orice legatura cu persoane reale e pur intamplatoare

Episode 1

[This is the journey of one man named Beany scarred for life by all that is campy, whose dreams are haunted by all that is campy. What we are about to present you is one of his strange experiences in the Twilight Zone: Teletubbies Show. They dance around happily and brainwashingly. In India, Jesus comes down to Earth to destroy once again Bollywood. Insert huge explosion here with flying indians. Back to the Teletubbies Show. We see them dancing around, prancing about like some flaming gay-persons while Beany is in a corner, watching them. Meanwhile, Jesus is dilly-dallying in Romania, deflowering Roger Ebert.Back to The Teletubbies show.]

Teletubby 1: La-la-la-la-la-la.
Teletubby 2: Hi-hi-hi-hi-hi-hi.
Teletubby 3: OH SHIT HERE COMES BARNEY!

[We see Barney, the drugged AND purple dinosaur. Barney is very-very-very-very horny. He grabs one of the teletubbies, he starts fucking him and we see that the teletubby is actually NUTRITIOUS B.I.G. – insert scream here. Meanwhile, the other two teletubbies start jerking off – and we CLEARLY see that they are MICHAEL JACKSON and MADALINA – insert faint and scream here.]

Barney: Hey Kids! Me hump me hump me hump!!!
Nutritious B.I.G.: MMMMmmm..it’s hurts so good…your sperm is very nutritious…

[Meanwhile, back in Romania, Jesus just finished his deflowering session.]

Jesus: Up and awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!! [he flies and lands in the Teletubbies Show where Barney is still fucking Nutritious B.I.G. like there’s no tomorrow accompanied by Beany’s screams. Jesus, annoyed by Beany, shoves his hand in his body and rips his spleen off. Then starts running towards Barney.]

Jesus: A-ha! Barney...you foul fiend! I came all the way from heaven to rape these poor little fuckers and you rape them before me? [insert cheesy zoom on Jesus’ eyes – like in them westerns, howdy y’all!]

Barney: Hey Kids! Oh no! It’s Jesus! My sworn enemy! And what have you got there, Jesus? Spleen? Give it to me! Argh! Argh! Gnarl! [They, like, fight and stuff. Barney dies, eventually.]

Jesus: [to the teletubbies] Like, come and suck my holy rod! Like, i have THE spleen and shit! My divine lollipop awaits thine pagan lips!

Teletubbies: YUMMY!!! Bless us heavenly father with your divine thingie.


[To be Continued in Episode 2]

Roger Ebert e pe post de substantiv colectiv din cate imi amintesc din varianta bruta (necenzurata) a scriptului vostru post camp :P

Era intr-adevar altceva acolo dar am schimbat in ultimul moment. Da' tu de unde shtii first draft-ul? :P

Episode 2

[An orgy ensues. But wait, there’s more! The fourth Teletubby, the one that was busy having his nipples pierced, appears.]

Teletubby4: It is I, Nicu! I want to suck too thine gargantuan erect penis. I will strike thee with mine purse if thou dost not wish to screw my teletubby brains! But first I must rape your white-trash behind. [he does so.]

Jesus: [rubbing his ass]Come forth, Nicu…I shall get medieval on your white ass! [insert ‘70s porn music]
[The bottom line is…Jesus fucks them all then he kills them.]

Jesus: It is complete! Orgasmic chills are now within me! Yey me! Go me! [victory dance. Meanwhile, in the background, Madalina rises from the dead. Jesus turns to her, rapes her again, pulls out his Hatori Hanzo sword and tries to decapitate her.]

Jesus: What? No decapitation? BUT IT WORKED ON OREN ISHII!!!!

Madalina: ARGH!

[The two fight with what seem to be big aluminum thingies which should be swords or something. Eventually, Madalina dies again with the Hatori Hanzo sword stuck up her pussy.]

Jesus: It is complete again! Orgasmic chills are now within me, again! Yey me, again! Go me, again! [Victory dance, again]

[Enter Mightwane, fatso extraordinaire.]

Mightwane: SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX!!!

Jesus: GASP!!!!! Who are you, you sexy fiend?

Mightwane: SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX!!!

Jesus: I must take my leave now! I must fill the world with nude pict00rz of Scarlett Johansson [who the fuck can spell her name?]

Mightwane: SEXSEXSEXSEX *fart* SEXSEXSE…wuuu bouncy Jesus is dead. My fart rocks!!! Yey me! [naked victory dance].

[Mightwane stands on the pile of corpses and sings “Like a Virgin” on the ukulele.]

Distant Voice: Mightwane…Mightwane…oh Captain Kirk!!!! Wooo….*cough* Mightwane…Mightwane…

[To be continued...]

Episode 3

Mightwane: SEX? SEX!?

Distant Voice: Scotty beam me up! [insert cheap special effect] It is I, Lieutenant Uhura! I am a black lady with an attitude. Foxxxy mama! [insert same ‘70s porn music as before]

Mightwane: *huh?* SEXSEXSEX??? NOSEXNOSEXNOSEX!!!

Uhura: I am your eternal chocolate momma. Snap-snap erases tap-tap! Let us rejoyce and sing hula-hula songs on your mighty ukulele!

[They sing happily and merrily but not gayly.]

Uhura: Hula-hula-hula-hula-uhula-uhula-uhura-uhura. Look! There’s Lars Von Trier chasing after Nicole Kidman!!!

Mightwane: *drool*

Nicole: Let me be, you egomaniacal danish scum! [she runs and runs and runs and…]

LVT: Stop fucking that piano! Make it real! Make it real! No lights! No music! No walls! No scenery! DOGMA RULZ! I is genius![Nicole jumps into Mightwane’s arms. *DROOL*]

Uhura: Isn’t LVT from Chile?

Nicole: Oh Mightwane, hold me in your strong arms and make love to me for ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever…[They kiss. Mightwane’s hard now. Hot sex scene coming up…but only after this:]

Godzilla: ROAAAAR!!!

LVT: Björk! Is that you?

Godzilla: Not really…but I could be whatever you want *blink blink*.

LVT: MAKE IT MORE REAL! MAKE IT BELIEVABLE!!!

[Godzilla starts fucking LVT and after it disembowels him, it leaves happily on the yellow brick road. Back to Mightwane, Uhura and Nicole]

Uhura: Twinkle, twinkle titty twister! Given the fact that I’m an ugly black momma, I must go now and explore parts of the universe where no man or black woman has ever gone before *echo*. [She obviously leaves, leaving Mightwane and Nicole to their hot intercourse. But wait!!!! GODZILLA RETURNS!]

[To be continued]

Episode 4

Godzilla: *GNARL* I have returned for unknown reasons…

[A distant and annoying voice can be heard, guess where, in the distance!]

Distant voice: In the name of the friggin’ moon I will, like, get frisky with you!

Mightwane: *dumb look*

Godzilla: *GNARL*

[Sailor Moon *GASP* appears]

Sailor Moon: I, the pretty sailor-suited warrior, Sailor No Bishojo Senshi Sailor Moon, will get frisky with you Godzilla, in the name of the Moon! Strike a pose!

Godzilla: Hit me with your laser stick! [Sailor Moon transforms Godzilla into Pikachu -]

Pikachu, formerly known as Godzilla: Pika-pika? Pikachuuuuuu!!! Pi-pi-pikachuuu!!!

Sailor Moon: I will now insert you into my lunar pussy! [insert cheap special effect] Hyper Nonsense World Tabasco Shower Moon Vaginal Insertion!!! [lotsa lights and other cheesy stuff and, well, Pikachu is now in Sailor Moon’s vaginal hell.]

[Fade to black. Fade to: Leotard.]

Leotard: Zis is ze end of ze story. OR IS IT? Maybe it is not ze end of ze story but I HAVE A GIANT PIMPLE ON MY NOSE!!!

Grandolf: Dude! You got a tatoo!!!

Leotard: Really dude? You got one too! What does mine say?

Grandolf: Dude!

Leotard: Dude, what does it say?

The Final Episode

Grandolf: DUDE!

Leotard: Really..what does it say?

Grandolf: Elven runes are so cool. Oh…your tatoo says “Dude” followed by a coma [Coma depicted here: “,”. Happy now?]

Leotard: Cool, dude! Your tatoo says: “where’s”. Cool dude!

Grandolf: Cool! Look, here comes Lady Star! Dudette! You got a tatoo!

Lady Star: It is I, Wonder Woman! Flashy flashy flashy! Yeehaw! Yoda CAN kick your ass! I got a tatoo?

Leotard: Yes you did.

Grandolf: ON YOUR BOOBIES!

Lady Star: What does it say?

Grandolf: It says: “my spleen?”.

Leotard: Cool! Give me a “Dude,”!

Grandolf: Give me a “where’s”!

Lady Star: Give me a “my spleen?”!!!

Beany: Now what does that spell?

Mightwane: Dude, where’s my spleen?

THE END…?

Directed by

• Village People

Written by

• Nightwane
  Ogto
  BeNnY

Cast (in no order whatsoever)

• Teletubby 1 – Nutritious B.I.G.
  Teletubby 2 - Madalina
  Teletubby 3 – Michael Jackson
  Barney – Some Purple Fag
  Jesus – Jesus
  Teletubby 4 – Nicu
  Mightwane – Captain Caveman
  Beany – Matt Damon
  Uhura – Herself
  Lars von Trier – Oana Zavoranu
  Nicole Kidman – Herself
  Godzilla – Johnny Weismuller
  Sailor Moon – George W. Bush
  Leotard - ???
  Grandolf - ???
  Lady Star - ???
  Little Bug – Rob Schneider

Guest Stars

• Sandra Brown – Herself
  Hitler – Beyonce Knowles
  Jude Law – Fag

Produced by

• Uma Thurman

Original Music by

• Nightwane

Non-Original Music by

• Susumu Hirasawa

Cinematography by

• BeNnY

Set Decoration by

• Oprah Winfrey

Costume Design by

• ogto

Makeup Department (Rhinoplasty)

• Barbra Streisand

Visual Effects by

• BeNnY

Stunts

• Jesus

Condom Tester

• Nightwane

Robots and other prosthetics

• Daft Punk

Personal Assistant to Uma Thurman

• ogto

Personal Assistant to Mr. Nightwane

• Nicole Kidman

Personal Assistant to ogto

• Christina Ricci

Personal Assistant to BeNnY

• Dolphins Cheerleaders Team

Credits by

• BeNnY
  Nightwane
  ogto
  Jesus
  George Costanza

Disclaimer no.2: Nu avem nici cea mai mica idee cine e Madalina. Stim doar ca rimeaza cu splina.

i'm glad that you people came up with the ultimate most horrifingly funny CAMP piece of art/crap.

i really like it ...
leotard's my favourite character ...

Gen moment istoric. Postez...

[Sala aplauda]

Doresc sa corectez niste chestii.

Eu doar am conceput scenariul cu Nightwane, el l-a scris.

Eu am ajutat doar la primele 3 epsioade, restul e de la Nightwane si Benny.

[Sala aplauda pe nightwane, cineva imparte poze cu Nightwane gol. Nightwane apare pe scena, face victory dance, primeste o tiara, un buchet de flori si telefoane de numar a catorva baietii 'infierbantati]

Ma bucur sa vad ca acest proiect a prins viata si ca lumea apreciaza acest pseudo-superSmecher-camp.

they grow up so fast :sad: parca maine vad ca se marita :sad:

Oricum...acuma mai tre sa strangem bani ca sa facem acest neo-punk-gothic-glittery-sparkly-bubbly-synth-pop-camp fest. Deci, trimiteti bani la mine acasa si eu va asigur ca nu o sa ii beau si ca nu o sa-mi cumpar tigari si nici femei ieftine.

Enjoy!

harharhar... am ras. muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuult.

cast-ul e genial baieti.
keep up the great/gorgeous/magnific/spectacular/fabulous/megalomanic work.

Very Weird. FElicitãri! Am rîs la cîteva faze mai ales aia cu Bjork, is that you.
Cine a ales titlul?

Ei doi, cred. Sau titlul ne-a ales pe noi. A doua varianta e mai camp.

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Bäää, m-am aia pe mine de râs!!!!!
Parc-ati fi io la saispe ani sau Mihai Verbitchi la dooscinci - da' ati luat caimacu', pe bune!
Mai vrem!

S-a cam zis cu: "Orice asemanare cu personaje sau situatii reale este pur coincidentiala."

Nu am ras si nici nu pot sa zic ca mi-a placut (as putea sa zic dear prefer sa fiu sincera). Apreciez efortul pe care l-ati depus si stiind ca sunt in minoritate, pentru binele forumistilor, sa mai faceti. E preferabil decat sa ne certam din nimicuri.

We still love you, Wonder Woman :love:

Wonder Girl, you fiend!
:)

There actually is a Wonder Girl? Jesus...

2 actually...

am cetit si eu cate ceva de p-aci. ce sa zic, mi se pare ca aveti talent. desi nu cred ca am prins toate referintele voastre, m-au amuzat scenele cu LVT si mi-a placut ca ce i-ati pus in gura lui Nicole chiar puteam sa mi-o imaginez pe ea zicand chestiile alea. :D la fel LVT. cam haotica "actiunea" totusi, parca se pierde printre interjectii. totusi... aveti talent!! :)

hey...we do what we can :) Actiunea trebuie sa fie haotica si aberanta pt. ca e "camp".

oh don't worry in legatura cu "referintele", it's just a matter of white-trash pop-culture so...daca nu esti familiar with that sort of thing...it doesn't work very good on all the levels.

glad you enjoyed it.

Doresc sa mentionez ca personajul lui Isus este bazat pe mine.

*Lumea ramane bulversata, o femeie lesina, se aude o pusca si cineva aprinde o tigara*

Restul personajelor sunt 100% imaginare, ridicole si n-au nici o legatura cu realitatea (asa cum scrie in DISCLAIMER).