[Gaandalf]

Part 3

Outside Moria... where Legolas still thinks of himself as coolest guy around... ARAGORN and BOROMIR drag FRODO away from making a FOOL of HIMSELF.

All: WAAAAHHHHH!!!!!
Boromir: Well, what do we do now?
Aragorn: We go to Lothlorien.
Frodo: Why?
Aragorn: ...Look, I really like those belly dancers, OK? And
they happen to be touring elven-refuges, and Lorien is their
next stop.
Legolas: Gross dude, my sister is one of them!
Aragorn: Ooh ooh ooh!! Is she Latsoleg?
Legolas: -Yeah.
Aragorn: She is HOT!!
Boromir: Mmm mmm...belly dancers- that’s a switch…
Sam: Oh would you all stop with the drooling? We’ve got an
important mission here and Mr. Frodo can’t take it much
longer!!
Aragorn: Sam, I don't know about you...but that is the gayest thing you said in this movie...

Lothlorien:

Gimli: Be careful young hobbits! There is a tale of an evil
elf-witch in these parts. She eats man-flesh!
Aragorn: Like someone else we know.
Sam: Whatever!
Gimli: AHEM!! But not to worry...I got an elf-safety merit
badge when I was a wee Dwarf Scout.
(Elves pop out from everywhere)
Haldir: Pick a boo you fucks you!
Haldir: Your friends are so stupid I could have strangled them
with a cordless phone.
Aragorn: Haldir!! Wassssup nigga’?? Are you touring with the belly dancers too?
Haldir: ...I’ve lived here, you idiot. All my life.
Gimli: I wanna go home!!
Haldir: You have entered the realm of the Lady of the Woods!
Wood. You cannot go back you stupid dwarf!
Pippin: Good job, Aragorn. Now we’re stuck here for the REST
OF OUR LIVES!!!
Aragorn: But hey that means those belly dancers are stuck
too!!
Boromir: Aragorn are you for real? I mean ... who the heck needs to save Middle-Earth ? Let them find themselves other heroes!

Aragorn: And we know that Dwarves are not allowed in this tale-like place,so we are all willing to be blindfolded.
Legolas: What are you talking about Aragorn?
Haldir: Actually we don’t care.
Aragorn: Of course you do! Dwarves haven’t been allowed in
here for like ever!
Haldir: I’m afraid you’re thinking about the books.Let me update you a little bit...You see, this is the movie; all small details from the books are completely disregarded! In fact, we had 217 Dwarves over here the other day for a big Superbowl Party, so there’s no tension here at all! We even have small urinals custom-made for Dwarves!
Aragorn: Whatever! BEEEEELY DANCERS DUDE! Yeah and we have to see Lady Galadriel 1st ...
Haldir: Take you to her i will!
Aragorn (confused – looking around)
Elf captain around there: Too much TV...

Somewhere else in Lorien …

Haldir: Found her I have …
Galadriel: Welcome you to Lothlorien we do and support your
Quest also. Yet extremely pessimistic i am about it and
basically tell everyone they’re gonna die.
Aragorn: sssup with the weird talking ?
Celeborn: Dude! We watched Star Wars last night for 9 hoours straight. Dude it was sooo coool!
Aragorn: Last I checked you had no calble whatsoever.
Celeborn: yeah but we borrowed the Palantir from Saruman and it turns out that it’s cheaper than cable. + the internet is great, Saruman tells me that’s how he found himself a date.
Aragorn: No shit ?
Celeborn: Yeah he tells me he found a brunette called: Grima.
Galadriel: Shut up!! I am talking!! ...We think blah blah blah
blah (while she’s talking she stares everyone down and
basically tells them they’re gonna die) blah blah blah blah
blah! Yada yada yada...Agree do you?
All: Uhh...yes. No??
Celeborn: Show off! It’s always about you.
Galadriel: Guess what Cely ? No “get naked” in the jungle tonight.
Celeborn: Yupiiii! Gonn’ check those belly dancers with the son of Arathorn.

Narrator: Being a very big budget film we have thousands of sets so here we go again … after Aragorn was being forced to shower …

Galadriel: Psst! Frodo!
Frodo: What? (then thinking to himself : „That’s a HUUUGE BITCH!”)
Galadriel: Follow me you will!
Check this thing out! Frodo: Whoa...what is it?
Galadriel: It’s a mirror that you pour water into and it
basically tells you that you’re gonna die!
Frodo: Let me see!
Galadriel: Behold!

(Various shots of things burning and other scenes that make
the audience wonder if that will happen in the future, and it
basically tells Frodo he’s gonna die)
Frodo: Now that was some freaky shit!

And Another Place with lots of trees in Lorien...

Aragorn: Those belly dancers are even better the seventh
time!!
Frodo: Fuck! I missed them again because I was taking a
shower! How were they, Sam?
Sam: I made a promise Mr. Frodo, a promise: Don’t you leave him Sam Wise Gamgee! – and i don’t mean to...I was watching you take a shower... uh! ... just to make sure ... is that ok with you?!!
Frodo: My dear Sam – this is why your part in this tale is not over!

Narrator: yeah! Cuz u 2 are gay!

Galadriel: Since you are leaving, I’ll give you presents!
Aragorn: But that’s not in the cinema version! Just the Special Extended Edition!
Galadriel: Yes but I’m giving them to you anyway.
Galadriel: Sam, you take this seed, and plant it
in the Shire.
Sam: Umm Ma’am, I’m not the kind of person who plants the
seeds, if you follow me...
Galadriel: You mean you’re not a gardener?
Sam: Well I suppose you could say that, I enjoy the flowers, I
just don’t plant the seeds the way you think i do.
Galadriel: I don’t understand?(shows him gift)
Sam: Ohhh! Ha ha! Seed, I get it! That’s a good one!
Galadriel: Meriadoc and Peregrin; You get these knives- to hang Frodo if he gets too annoying!
Merry: Meriadoc and Peregrin?
Pippin: Those are our names in the books...
Merry: Oh yeah.
Galadriel: Frodo, I give you this really bright flashlight that seems of no use right now.
Frodo: Flashlight?? ...I may seem like a dork, but that
doesn’t mean I want flashlight and flowers and ponies!! I want
a sword too!

Galadriel: We ran out of swords, just take what you get and be
happy!... Ahh, dwarf. What do you want from me?
Gimli: You know what I want from you ...
Galadriel: (embarassed)I mean a gift! Yes a gift. What could I
give to you?
Galadriel: How ‘bout some of my hair?
Gimli: That’s gross! – I’ll take it!
Galadriel: And to the entire Fellowship, I give a load of
Lembas!
Sam: Not more Lembas!!
Galadriel: You already have Lembas?
Sam: Yes, from Rivendell.
Galadriel: Oh, well our Lembas is better. Their’s is Lembas
Lite. We have the good fattening Lembas! Plus our flavor is
chocolate.
Sam: Chocolate Lembas!
Aragorn: Sam you’re gay!
Galadriel: Now go! Get the fuck outta hieeeeer!
Celeborn: Elessar! Nice goin’ with those belly dancers last night. Man we were so drunk!
Aragorn(looking behind him): Dude who you talking to ?
Celeborn: You dumb ass!
Aragorn: Me?
Celeborn: Yeah! We got drunk last night and we decided to change your name … into Elessar!
Aragorn: When people get drunk they usually end up with a tatoo. But no I end up with a crappy new nickname. Dumb ass Elves!
Celeborn: Hey! Watch your mouth!
Aragorn: What for?
Celeborn: Cuz …
Aragorn: What kind of name is Celeborn?
Celeborn: Bite my pointy ears elf-wannabe! Now take this dagger and get the fuck off my land! How much of a male elf am I now huh?
Aragorn: Common dude! I like the name… really!
Celeborn: Really? Cool! I didn’t mean what I just said! Naever!
Elessar: Naever – whatever th fuck that means…
Celeborn: Y’all come back you hear! Argy … come check out next season’s bellydancers ok?
Aragorn: It’s ON!

ORTHANC, HOME OF THE OBVIOUSLY EVIL SARUMAN

Saruman: Give ‘em hell in the fourth quarter!

more next week ...