[Gaandalf]

Balin’s Tomb - some dead relative of Gimli

Narrator: Ah! There’s also Gimli crying over his fallen cousin Balin! … fast forward please! Enter the cave troll, (Harry Potter flashbacks :sick: :sick: :sick: ) Frodo is stabbed with a spear. AGAIN.
Narrator: Pippin – who was drunk and barely said one word during this story or movie drops a bucket and wakes up Balrogand gives away their position.

Aragorn: Stupid short-ass ring-bearer has fallen. Our quest is over … let’s go home & rest.
Frodo: Just kidding. I did that slide-blade-between-arm-and-chest trick. Pretty funny, no? NINE PEOPLE utterly kick the asses of dozens of ORCS
Gimli: You are full of surprizes Mr Baggins. Too full! You wanna live to die another day? Stop fucking around.
Narrtor: He’s got Mithril on him … Level 3 Upgrade baby!
Balrog: you woke me up now I will kick your asses.

Narrator: surrounded by dorks the Gay Parade find themselves in a tight situation … how will our heroes get out of this one? Easy … This guy Balrog of Morgoth shows up uninvited (well actually Pippin woke him up) and all the goblins scram …

(They go to the Bridge of Khazad-Dûm. They come up to the Bridge. It is one long twisted piece of bubble gum. Legolas shoots his knitting needles at an orc, who screams, "KOWAAABUNGA!" as he falls. Legolas super-jumps over, grabs the knitting needles, and super-jumps back. He ends up in front. They all run down the stairs. Frodo reaches the cut off stairs, and nearly falls. He swings his arms trying to get his balance, but Gandalf bumps into him and Frodo falls).

GANDALF: Oops...
SAM: He still has the Ring! Mr. Frodo! Wait for me! (jumps)
PIPPIN: No! Sam has the food! Wait up Sam! (jumps)
MERRY: I'm coming too! (jumps)
GANDALF: Better go keep an eye on those Hobbits. Meet you at the bridge! (jumps)
ARAGORN: Oh... okay. Um... now what?
GIMLI: When you are unsure of what to do, it always helps to tell a joke. Lets see... oh! How 'bout this one! There is this leprechaun-
LEGOLAS: (sticks out his eyes) Gimli! You'd better stay with Gandalf. He’s too far behind (pushes Gimli)
GIMLI: (as he falls) ... and he walks into a bar, he goes up to the bartender and says...
BOROMIR: Ah, much better. To the bridge ?
ARAGORN: Race you there!

(Aragorn, Legolas, and Boromir are nearly at the Bridge, when all of the sudden, the hobbits, Gandalf, and Gimli fall in front of them)
Legolas to himself: God Damn it! I am sooo pretty!
Aragorn: Alright!
Gandalf: No...not alright.
Huge flames come from the end of the hall…
Boromir: What is this new devilry?
Gandalf: He's an old demon...I swear he'll be the death of me.
Aragorn: Gandalf – Dude! You gonna die!
Pippin: Bummer!
Boromir: RUUUUUUUUUN!
Aragorn: 1st good idea Boromir!
Gandalf: It’s no use. We will never outrun the Balrog.
Legolas: who says we have to outrun him … we’ll just outrun you … that will suffice!
Balrog overhearing Legolas: ha-ha-ha! Your ass is grass Gandy!
Gandalf: He's a Balrog...and if you all knew half as much as I did about him then we'd know more than half about it than half the population!
Sam: Was that supposed to be funny?
Merry: Wasn't that joke supposed to be at the beginning?
Pippin: Oh! I see! In the hour of his passing Grey Fool is in mood for jokes …
Aragorn: Gandalf, I suggest you keep the jokes to a minimum.
Gandalf: Well I hope you know more about humor than you do about hygiene!
Boromir: Haha!! That was a good one!
Pippin: I don't mean to interrupt anything, but that huge fire monster's coming towards us & you guys are up for stand-up comedy ?
Frodo: So we should run??
Gandalf: Yeah. That would be an option. You could stay here and die along with me …
Aragorn: You wish!
Legolas: Runing? Again? Why? I’m messing up my hair!

Narrator: They run…They get to the bridge; they all cross it except for Gandalf – he’s the one we have to let go in this story…
Gandalf: You should reconsider attempting to cross this bridge!!
Aragorn: Ahh damn! He's forgot his lines...
Gandalf: My name is Gandalf!...I...am a....Wizard!!...and I have a super-bright FLASHLIGHT ATTACHMENT!!
Balrog: RRAAAAARRRR!!
Gandalf: If...you don't...uhh...stop!.... I'll....hurt you!!
Balrog: RRRRAARRR!!
Gandalf: Uhh....HIIYYYAAAAHH!!

Balrog: Look, your lines are "You shall not pass", and all that mumbo jumbo about the secret fire, ok?! And all that whinning … that needs to stop.
Gandalf: Oh yeah, sorry.
Balrog: I can't work with this!! Bad actors, bad visual effects, and the sets are faulty as- WWAAAAHHHH!!!
1 minute of embarassing talk and a bridge collapse later…
<Both Gandalf and Balrog fall.>

Frodo: GGGAAANNNDDAAALLLFF!!!! NNOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Sam: Oh give it a rest Mr Frodo he comes back in the sequel!
Frodo: Yeah but he actually knew where we were going!!
Legolas: Good point.
<Everybody stares for a few seconds at Gandalf literally waving everyone. They finally realize that they stopped for nothing and exit>

to be CONTINUED - BY LADY EOWYIN