...
(Frodo escapes before Bilbo bores him to death)
Narrator: As they leave various things are being shouted by the elves and other things lurking over there, such as "have a safe trip" and "hope you don't screw up" and "WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE", from EYEBROWS!
Frodo: Mordor ? Gandalf which way is it ? Left or right?
Gandalf: Ok! Get this kid away from me. I will fuck him up good! And I ain’t afraid to do it! Punck ass biatch! YOUUUUU are taking this to SERIOUS! Punk somma bitch!
Gandalf: Aragorn! GET HIM OUTTA MY SIGHT!
Along the Misty Mountains...
Aragorn: So does anyone have a clue as to where we're going?
Sam: Mt. Doom?
Aragorn: No I mean what highway we're taking here.
Gimli: Let us go through the Mines of Moria!
Legolas: Let us shut the fuck up!
Gimli: Lembas chewer!
Legolas: Mine Mongrel!
Gimli: Fairy!
Legolas: Gnome!
Gimli: You can hardly tell your women apart from your men!
Legolas: At least our women don't have beards!
Gimli: *GASP* Take that back!
(Legolas sticks his tongue out) – Neah Neah Neah Neah Neah!
Gandalf: Gimli I would not pass through the Mines of Moria; even if you gave me five bucks.
Gimli: Ten bucks says we go anyway! HA! You can't avoid it! It's in the books!
Gandalf: Don't we have any choices?
Narrator: Dude! Gay people always die 1st … quit whining!
Gandalf: Ok!
Narrator: Good! Carry On!
Gandalf: I don’t wanna die!
Gandalf: Let us go up that impossibly snowy mountain!!
Gimli: Oh come on! You know we'll never make it-
Gandalf: I'd rather not!
Gimli: Save everyone some time and cut a good ten minutes out of the movie!
Gandalf: No! We must try.
Gimli: ...How 'bout I just meet ya in the mines?-
Gandalf: NO!
Legolas: Shut up Dwarf! Why don't you just get going and start singing that "Heigh-Ho" song your people like so much?
Gimli: I suppose you don't mind snow, elf, because all your kind are working at the North Pole!
Gandalf: Man this was a bad idea....
Gimli: I told you!
Legolas: Saruman is cursing the mountain!
Frodo: Can't you do something Gandalf?
Gandalf: Not really. White powers cancel out grey in the High Order of Wizards unless there is a 2/3 majority vote. And since I received a fine for Chanting Under the Influence I've had no magical ability whatsoever, which is why I display next to NONE in the film.
Gimli: I want my ten bucks Wizard man!
Gandalf: Oh quit your whining! We'll go to the God Damn mines!
SARUMAN: We need to create the mutant from Small Soldiers and pull down some trees to guarantee the revenge of the Ents.
Narrator: Dude! Cut your nails!
Outside the mines …
Narrator: Gimli starts saying a joke to Legolas, Merry and Pippin…after 30 minutes the joke is not over …Meanwhile Gandalf desperately tries to open the Doors of Durin…
Merry: I sooo wish those Uruk-hai hurry up and catch us!
Legolas : Amen brother! Amen!
Gimli: … and the leprechaun says : I’m mad! Hahahahaha!
Narrator: Guys just laugh! Other wise he’ll be grumpy and won’t act right!
Legolas, Merry & Pippin: hahahahahahahahaha! (clapping their hands)
Narrator: Doors still closed! Bummer!
ARAGORN
walking over) Do my ears deceive me, or were you telling that leprechaun joke, Gimli?
GIMLI: Why, yes I was.
ARAGORN: Ooh! I love that joke! Will you tell it again?
(Legolas, Merry and Pippin run off screaming. They hit into the door and it opens.)
SAM says goodbye to BILL THE PONY, world’s most underrated character.
Fight with giant squid-looking octopus-type shark- thing; dangerously silly … and lame
Narrator: Fight with giant squid-looking octopus-type shark- thing; dangerously silly … and lame. 4 days to the other side? Crap! AGAIN we must cut this story short!
Turns out, there are LOTS Of DEAD PEOPLE in MORIA…
Boromir: This is not encouraging.
The gay Parade enters Balin’s tomb …
PIPPIN: You said Bilbo told you that Sting was orc-repellant! I don’t think it’s working.
LEGOLAS: (as he expertly finishes off several sock puppets with his knitting needles) Here, let me see that. (Frodo hands him Sting. Legolas glances at it and gives it back to Frodo) Needs new batteries.
FRODO: (sighs) Go figure.
and te be be be continued ...