Bancuri
 

Apropo de Passion of the Christ:

God decided he needed a vacation.
One of his aides suggested Venus.
"Forget it," God said, "I went there 10,000 years ago and got sunburned."
Another aide suggested Jupiter.
"No way," God replied. "I went there 5,000 years ago and froze my
buttoff."
A third advisor suggested Earth.
"That's the worst of all," God answered angrily. "I was there 2,000 years
ago and they're still accusing me of getting some Jewish girl pregnant!"

Ar fi comic, daca ar fi alti protagonisti. Asa mi se pare de prost gust.

You want religious jokes?
I got religious jokes.

Dumnezeu, Iisus si Sf Petre erau la pescuit pe o barca in mijlocul unui lac. La un moment dat Dumnezeu se ridica sa aduca momeala, merge pe apa, se duce pana la mal si se intoarce. Iisus se trezeste si El peste 5 minute sa mai aduca bere. Se ridica, merge pe apa, se intoarce. Sf Petre complexat inventeaza si el o scuza si iese din barca... si se ineaca.
Dupa cateva minute Iisus I spune lui Dumnezeu:
"Tati, crezi ca ar fi trebuit sa-i spunem unde sunt pietrele?"

Nu e banc :D

Women of today

INTERNET woman: woman of difficult access.
SERVER woman: always busy when you need her.
WINDOWS woman: everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.
WORD woman: she has always a surprise reserved for you, but no one in the world is able to fully understand it.
EXCEL woman: they say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for your four basical needs.
D.O.S woman: everyone had her at least once, but no one wants her anymore.
VIRUS woman: also known as " wife" ; when you are not aspecting her, she comes, install herself and uses all your resourses. If you try to desinstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to desinstall her you will lose everything.
SCANDISK woman: you know that she is good and that she only wants to help you, but you never knows what she is really doing for that.
SCREENSAVER woman: she is not worth for anything, but at least she is fun!
RAM woman: she forgets everything you say when you disconect her.
HARD-DISK woman: she remembers everythings, FOR EVER.
MULTIMEDIA woman: she makes horrible things look beautiful.
PASSWORD woman: you believe to be the only one knowing her, but in reality all the world does...
MP3 woman: everybody wants to take her...
E-MAIL woman: Every ten things she says, eight are bullshit...

(scuze ca e in engleza)

Si inca ceva haios (din pacate tot in engleza):

Men and women

To make a woman happy, all you have to do is to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father figure
6. a teacher
7. an educator
8. a cook
9. a gardner
10. a carpenter
11. a driver
12. an engineer
13. a mechanic
14. an interior decorator
15. a stylist
16. a sex therapist
17. a gynaecologist/obstetrician
18. a psychologist
19. a psychiatrist
20. a therapist
21. a good father
22. a gentleman
23. well organised
24. tidy
25. very clean
27. athletic
28. affectionate
29. affable
30. attentive
31. ambitious
32. amenable
33. articulate
34. bold
35. brave
36. creative
37. courageous
38. complimentary
39. capable
40. decisive
41. intelligent
42. imaginative
43. interesting
44. prudent
45. patient
46. polite
47. passionate
48. respectful
49. sweet
50. strong
51. skillful
52. supportive
53. sympathetic
54. tolerant
55. understanding
56. someone who loves shopping
57. someone who doesn't make problems
58. someone who never looks at other women
59. very rich

AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST PAY ATTENTION TO MAKE SURE YOU:
60. are neither jealous nor disinterested
61. get on well with her family, but don't spend more time with them than with her
62. give her her space, but show interest and concern in where she goes

ABOVE ALL IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO:
63. Not forget the dates of:
* anniversaries (wedding, engagement, first date...)
* graduation
* birthday
* menstruation

However, even if you observe the bove instructions perfectly, you are not
100% guaranteed that she will be happy, as she could one day feel
overcome with the suffocating perfection of her life with you and run off with the first wild bastard-bohemian-drunk-bon viveur she meets...


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY ???
1. Let him have sex with you

Mda, poate s-au schimbat gusturile in ultimii ani de cand nu am mai auzit eu bancuri. Doar ca un fel de P.S, primul banc se cam ineaca in greseli gramaticale.

Pai sa vedem. Un intreprinzator de munci de gen masculin isi pierde coasa intr-un rau. Se aseaza pe iarba si incepe sa planga. Dumnezeu il vede, se coboara alaturi de el si il intreaba ce a patit. Barbatul ii explica ce s-a intamplat si atunci Dumnezeu ii spune ca il va ajuta. Ii arata o coasa de aur, il intreaba daca aceasta era coasa lui, dar barbatul raspunde resemnat ca nu. Apoi ii arata o coasa de argint, dar din nou barbatul spune ca nu aceea era coasa sa. In final, Dumnezeu ii ofera coasa sa, iar deoarece a fost atat de sincer, i le da si pe celelalte doua.

Intr-o alta zi, acelasi intreprinzator de munci de gen masculin, se afla cu sotia intr-o barcuta, pe acelasi rau. La un moment dat femeia cade in apa. Din nou barbatul incepe sa planga si din nou apare Dumnezeu. Acesta se ofera sa il ajute, dupa ce ii asculta necazul si dispare. In scurt timp apare cu Sharon Stone si il intreaba pe barbat daca aceasta este sotia sa. El sare in sus si spune ca "da!". Dumnezeu, furios, il mustreaza pe barbat, pentru ca a cutezat sa il minta asa in fata. Acesta, insa, ii explica de ce a actionat astfel:"Daca as fi spus ca nu este ea sotia mea, mi-ai fi aratat-o pe Claudia Schiffer si de abia apoi pe sotia mea. Nu as fi avut cum sa hranesc trei guri din munca mea!"

La lecon: un barbat are intotdeuna o logica solida pe care se bazeaza decizile sale.

Ghidul idiotului in Anglia
 

Cu ocazia vizitei lui George W. Bush la Londra, presa britanica a publicat un set de sfaturi inedite, intitulat "Ghidul idiotului in Marea Britanie", de care
presedintele american ar trebui sa tina cont in cele trei zile:
- Londra este capitala Marii Britanii, care este o tara independenta si nu al
51-lea stat al SUA.
- Seful statului este regina Elisabeta a II-a (se pronunta a doua si nu a
unsprezecea). Nu trebuie sa o luati pe dupa umeri si sa ii spuneti "draga".
Trebuie sa va adresati cu "Majestate" sau "Doamna".
- Fiul ei cel mai mare este Printul Charles, nu "Chuck". Nu aduceti vorba despre valeti si nu il intrebati daca a vazut vreun film bun.
- Daca va aflati la un banchet oficial, folositi tacamurile incepand dinspre
exterior. Hamburgherii si cartofii prajiti nu se vor afla in meniu.
- "Batalia pentru Anglia" a fost castigata de Fortele Aeriene Britanice, nu de Tom Cruise sau Bruce Willis.
- Noi traim in democratie si avem dreptul sa manifestam. In cazul in care, de-a lungul traseului parcurs, se vor afla mii de demonstranti anti-razboi, nu cereti sa fie inchisi.
- William Shakespeare, cel mai mare dramaturg al nostru, a scris "Romeo si Julieta", nu Zefferelli. Nu cereti sa va intalniti cu Will - este mort.

asta-i o adaugire, asa, pt. forum, ca-ntre cinefili...

Eu digerand destul de bine sarcastmul,mi s-a parut bun.Probabil daca esti mai religios e de prost gust,mai ales avand in vedere perioada.Daca am jignit pe careva,mii de scuze.

Marriage rules
 

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back..." "Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer." The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany,
Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lollypop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..." He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?" You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc. "But my sweet honey...at the bar...you know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that..." You want dirty words, cutie pie?...
"LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHERFUCKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?" ....And, they lived happily ever after.

Stiam eu unul mai misto cu little Johnny. :D

Un tip intra intr-o librarie si intreaba :
- avetzi cartea "SUPERIORITATEA BARBATULUI ASUPRA FEMEII?"
raspuns:
- Utopii si SF la etajul 1 !
:lol:

O lady intra la un dealer Lexus, si se plimba pe acolo, uitandu-se la masini. Deodata, ocheste cea mai frumoasa si deosebita masina din
show-room si se duce tinta la ea sa o inspecteze.
In momentul in care se apleaca sa simta pielea fina, un partz mic ii scapa pe neasteptate. Foarte incurcata, se uita ingrijorata in jur sa vada daca a remarcat cineva faptul, sperand totodata ca nici un vanzator nu va aparea din senin tocmai atunci. Dar, cand se intoarce, langa ea statea un vanzator. Cu un zambet larg, acesta-i spune :
"Buna ziua, doamna. Cu ce va pot ajuta astazi?"
Incercand sa-si mentina un aer sofisticat si actionand ca si cum nimic nu s-ar fi intamplat, ea zambeste catre vanzator si-l intreaba:
"Sir, care e pretul acestui vehicul deosebit ?"
Vanzatorul, cu acelasi zambet larg, ii spune:
"Stimata doamna, imi pare foarte rau sa va spun ca daca doar ati tras un vant cand ati atins masina, va veti caca pe dvs. cand veti auzi pretul...''

Funniest shit ever ... :lol: good one.
check this out :
care este diferentza intre un homo shi o furnica ? Furnica impinge la mancarea de maine , "popicarul" la mancarea de Ieri ... :lol:

A man is trying to understand the nature of God and asked him: "God, how long is a million years to you?"
God answered: "A million years is like a minute."
Then the man asked: "God, how much is a million dollars to you?" And God replied: "A million dollars is like a penny."
Finally the man asked: "God, could you give me a penny?" And God says: "In a minute."

Pavarotti si Domigo isi disputa intaietatea in lumea muzicala.

Pavarotti: "Am cantat la Milano in fata a 400.000 de spectatori si la
sfarsit Sf. Maria a plans!" (Statuia se afla in virful catedralei din
Milano, la 108,5 m.).

Domingo: "Am cantat la Rio in fata a 800.000 de spectatori si la sfarsit
Iisus a coborit si mi-a spus: "Ce muzica! Nu ca ala de la Milano, care a
facut-o pe mama sa planga!"

Super banc

O echipa de reporteri se deplaseaza în Daghestan pentru a face un reportaj cu luptatorul tipic national. Reporterul:
-Stim cu totii ca razboiul v-a adus numai nenorociri si tragedi dar cred ca mai aveti puterea sa va aduceti aminte de o întâmplare fericita din
viata dumneavoastra!
-Acu câtva timp mi-am pierdut capra în munti. Atunci ne-am strâns toti satenii la mine acasa, am baut vodca, apoi am plecat, am gasit
capra, am adus-o acasa, am fu**t-o cu toti, apoi am baut iara vodca.
Reporterul:
-Ce scârbos, dar totusi o întîmplare fericita din viata dumneavoastra nu puteti sa-mi povestiti?
-Ba da. Într-o zi nevasta unui satean s-a pierdut în munti. Ne-am strâns toti la el acasa, am baut vodca, apoi am plecat, am adus femeia
acasa, am fu**t-o cu totii, apoi am baut iara vodca.
-Vad ca asa nu merge. Puteti sa-mi povestiti o întâmplare trista din viata dumneavoastra?
-Într-o zi m-am pierdut în munti...

:huh: ... cred ca s-au pierdut si bancurile bune prin munti

razboi in daghestan? :shock:

cred ca era afganistan, da-i dracu' de inapoiatzi islamici!

Cu muntii il stiam. Simpatic. Dar de-a dreptul misto e cel cu dealer-ul Lexus :D