Un ceh merge la oftalmolog care ii arata pe tabla literele: 'C Z W N O S T A X C Z'. -Poti sa citesti asta? il intreaba doctorul -Daca pot sa citesc? Chiar il cunosc pe tip!

oooo da..... faptul ca bancul tau e cu un ceh makes all the difference! :hmm:

definitia razbunarii: un bebelush cu un PITTBULL intre dinti....

sorry, pitt, pal... no offence... da e prea tare

PITBURG

in vain, nightwane, tot PITTBULL ii voi zice... suna mai fioros.... :D


on-topic
stire intr-un ziar local de provincie: "un elicopter s-a prabusit deasupra cimitirului. pana acum, politistii au recuperat 250 de cadavre"...

nu e bancul meu, Suparastar

dar care e diferenta dintre ala si cel pe care l-am postat eu cu 1sapt (sau mai putin) in urma? ;) (la asta ma refeream) :P

aha...pai io pe vremea aia nu rasfoiam pe acolo :D

acu intelegi where i was hinting at? ;) :P

but of course...mea culpa :P

The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.
They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again.
Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this blackeye?"
His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit!...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"How was your first day in third grade, Johnny?" asked his father.

"Good," said Johnny. "The teacher asked each of us to count to 100. Some kids couldn't get past 30, but I made all the way to 100 without a single mistake!"

"That's good, son. That's because you're from Arkansas."

After the next day of school, he asked again.

"I did good today, too, Dad. In language class, we had to say the alphabet. Some kids couldn't get past P, but I made all the way to Z without a single mistake!"

"That's good, son. That's because you're from Arkansas."

After the third day of school, Johnny came home looking troubled.

"What's the matter, son?" asked Dad.

"Oh, I dunno. Today we had Physical Education, and afterwards, in the shower, I noticed that, well, the other boys in my class, uh, well Dad, they all have little tiny ones. Mine must be ten times bigger than theirs! Is that because I'm from Arkansas?"

"No, son," explained Dad. "That's because you're 18!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two Southerners were having the blue plate special at their favorite watering hole, when they heard an awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from wolfing down a Specialty Burger too fast.

The first Southerner said to the other, "Think we otta hep?"

"Yep," said the second.

The First Southerner got up and walked over to the lady and asked "Kin yew breathe?"

She shook her head no.

"Kin yew speak?" he asked.

She again shook her head no.

With that he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt and licked her on the butt. She was so shocked that she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe with great relief.

The First Southerner turned back to his friend and said, "Funny how that there Hind Lick Maneuver works ever' time."

lol. primele glume amuzante pe care am rabdare sa le citesc p-acilea. good'unz.

Thanks! Din ce urmeaza ala cu irlandezul e pentru tine! ;)

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"

Jim says, "Me too. You know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You want to try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.

The next morning, Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact, he feels GREAT! No hangover! NO bad side effects, nothing!

Then the phone rings... it's Jim.

Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"

Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"

Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover - nothing."

"We ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, well, there's just one thing...."

"What's that?"

"Have you farted yet?"

"No....."

"Well, DON'T - 'cause I'm in Phoenix!!!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Late one Friday night a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

"Aye, so I have 'tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinnesses -- couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later..."

And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyser test."

Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!?"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One day a boy came walking home from school. On the way home he saw a creek. He quickly jumped in, clothes and all. When he arrived home completely soaked his dad asked, "Son what happened?"

"I jumped in that creek down the road."

"Why did you do that?"

"I don’t know."

His dad was very angry and said, "If you jump in that creek again, just because, I'm going to tan that hide - just because! Is that clear?"

"Yes dad," replies his son.

The next day, the boy came home walking from school, and sure enough when he saw that creek, he jumped right on in.

When he went home, his dad knew what had happened and asked, "Didn't I tell you not to jump in that creek again?"

"Yes dad, but Satan told me to do it!"

His dad, being somewhat religious, decided to give his son the benefit of the doubt and tells him, "Next time Satan tells you to do something like that, say 'Satan get thee behind me in the name of Jesus.'"

"Ok dad," replied the son.

The next day after school, the boy was walking across the bridge, and well you know the rest. He came home again soaked.

His dad said, "I thought I told you what to say when you came to that creek!"

"I said what you told me dad, and when I did, Satan pushed me in!"

These three guys got together one day and were talking about how drunk they got at a party the night before.

The first guy said, ''Man I was so drunk last night I went home and blew chunks.''

The second guy said, ''Man that was nothing I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I got my DWI.''

The third guy says, "Man that was nothing. I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I picked up a prostitute and my wife caught us in bed.''

Then the first guy said, ''No -- you guys don't understand! Chunks is my dog!"

cia face un test pt agentii secreti de top. pe rand, ii pun intr-o camera unde gasesc un pistol pe masa si un biletel pe care scrie : "nevasta ta e in biroul de langa acesta. ia pistolul si impusc-o."
Intra primul, citeste biletul, sta putin, zice ca nu poate asa ceva si iese afara.
Intra al doilea, citeste biletul, ia pistolul in mana, se uita la el vreo 10 minute, dupa care il pune pe masa si iese din camera.
Intra al treilea. Citeste biletul, ia pistolul, se duce in biroul de langa. Se aud impuscaturi, urlete, bubuitori! Apoi se duce in camera unde erau inspectorii, plin de sange pe haine si zice: "Ba! care a pus gloante oarbe in pistolul asta? ca a trebuit sa o omor scaunul!"

e la x e imun la integrare si derivare.




In leg cu ala zis de Pitbull:

Stire în "Pravda":
'Ieri China a aruncat asupra Rusiei bomba atomica.
100.000 victime.'

Agentia China Nouä:
'Ieri, ca raspuns la bomba noastra atomica, rusii au aruncat asupra noastra bomba de cauciuc.
50.000.000 victime.
Bomba continua sa sara.'

ªtefan cel Mare Român (vb. lu Airlight) îi strânge pe oºteni înainte de bãtãlia de la podul înalt ºi le spune duios:
" -Bã nenorociþilor... sã nu dea dracu sã vã îmbãtaþi ca porcii ºi sã nu fiþi mâine la 8 pã câmpu de bãtalie...aþi înþeles???
... cã ne facem de cãcat faþã de oamenii ãia...


Douã blonde în deºert inchiriazã o cãmilã. Merg ce merg, pînã dau de o savanã. Gagicile se dau jos ºi se duc sã se rãcoreascã. Când se întorc cãmila, poola..dispãruse.Blonda 1 care era mai sperioasã din fire :
- Faaatã, ce ne facem?
- O sugem, ce sã facem...
se învârt astea disperate vreo juma de orã dupã cãmilã..pînã la urmã dau peste un beduin cu ochelari de soare, care se scobea în dinþi la umbra unui palmier:
-Nu vã supãraþi, n-aþi vãzut o cãmilã?
- poate am vãzut, poate n-am vãzut...
- zi domle dak ai vãzut sau nu...
- cum arãta cãmila?
astea debusolate..
- pãi..avea douã cocoaºe
- minunat... pãi toate cãmilele au douã cocoaºe ..alt indiciu nu puteþi sã-mi daþi???
Se gândesc astea stressate..
brusc, una din ele, " Gata, am gãsit...avea douã piz.de!
Beduinu, iºi ridicã tacticos ochelarii de soare, scoate paiu din gurã:
..Cum adicã, "avea douã piz.de"..???
"Pãi în timp ce mergeam prin deºert am dat peste doi beduini ºi unu s-a uitat cãtre noi, dupã care i-a zis ãluilalt :
Ia te uitã frate,...o cãmilã cu douã piz.de !!!

cica e de pe mess:

-Buna ziua!
- Buna ziua, domnule politist!
- Dumneata, tinere domn, pe gheata asta conduci cu 70 km pe ora? Vrei sa ajungi la spital?
- Da!
- Bravo, frumos raspuns! Esti smecher?
- Nu.Sunt doctor.

tot de pe mess (cam vechi, dar atat de potrivit):

Iti place sa fii mangaiat?
Sa fii atins? ??
Sa fii pipait?...
Sa fii incins?
Iti place respiratia celuilalt langa urechea ta?
Sa iti respire pe gat sau pe fata?
Iti place sa incerci pozitii noi?
Sa incepi rece si sa sfarsesti cald si transpirat?

Atunci foloseste RATB...

Un naufragiat ajunge in jungla unde este inconjurat de un trib de canibali. Disperat, omul isi indreapta privirea spre cer si spune: - Doamne, sunt pierdut! Cerul se lumineaza deasupra lui, este invaluit de raze si se aude o voce de sus: - Fiul meu, nu esti inca pierdut. Ia o piatra si arunc-o in capul conducatorului lor. Omul ia o piatra si o arunca in capul sefului canibalilor. Vocea de sus: - Acum esti pierdut !

:lol: :lol: :lol:
.atit de adevarat, atit de adevarat...

Doi copii, un baiat si o fetita se certau. Fiecare se lauda cu ce ii cumparase ma-sa sau ta-su. El zicea ca are masinute, ea ca are papusi si tot asa.

La un moment dat el, nemaistiind cu ce sa se laude, isi scoate p*** si, mandru de el, spune: "Na, din asta chiar ca n-ai!"
Ea insa raspunde: "Da, dar peste 15 ani tu o sa ai tot una, pe cand eu o sa am cate vreau!"

2 italieni si o italianca
2 francezi si o frantuzoaica
2 nemti si o nemtoaica
2 englezi si o englezoaica
2 bulgari si o bulgaroaica
2 japonezi si o japoneza
2 chinezi si o chinezoaica
2 americani si o americanca
2 irlandezi si o irlandeza

O luna mai tarziu, pe aceasta minunata insula pustie se intamplasera urmatoarele lucruri:

1. Un italian l-a omorit pe celalalt italian pentru femeia italianca.
2. Cei doi barbati francezi traiesc impreuna cu frantuzoaica intr-un fericit menaje-a-trois.
3. Cei doi nemti au o programare saptaminala foarte stricta pentru vizitarea alternativa a nemtoaicei.
4. Cei doi englezi asteapta pe cineva care sa le-o prezinte pe englezoaica.
5. Cei doi bulgari s-au uitat lung la oceanul fara sfarsit iar unul din ei s-a uitat bine la bulgaroaica si apoi a inceput sa inoate.
6. Cei doi japonezi au trimis un fax la Tokyo si asteapta instructiunile.
7. Cei doi chinezi si-au deschis o farmacie/magazin de bauturi/restaurant/spalatorie si au lasat-o gravida pe chinezoaica ca sa le furnizeze angajati pentru magazine.
8. Cei doi americani se gandesc serios la sinucidere, pentru ca femeia americanca se tot plange de corpul ei, de adevarata natura a feminismului, cum ar putea si ea face tot ce fac ei, necesitatea implinirii, diviziunea egala a treburilor in casa, cum nisipul si palmierii o fac sa arate grasa, cum fostul ei prieten ii respecta tot timpul parerile si a tratat-o mult mai bine decat o trateaza ei si cum relatia cu mama ei se imbunatateste si cum in sfarsit taxele au scazut si nu mai ploua.
9. Cei doi irlandezi au impartit insula in Nord si Sud si au facut o distilerie. Ei nu-si amintesc daca mai era si o femeie pe acolo pentru ca totul devenea cam cetos dupa primii litrii de whiskey de nuca de cocos. In orice caz sunt satisfacuti pentru ca nici englezii nu se distreaza deloc.

.foarte nice 8)

si daca esti si matale din ardeal o sa apreciezi si matale(poate) bancu care urmeaza:

.2 ardeleni pe marginea unei strazi in cluj-n.
-Apãi mã, tu crezi cã io-þi pot traversa asta în 5 minute?
-Cã doarã nu eºti fuljer!

pe asta il stiati:
Q: Cum latra un caine in ardeal?
A: No, amu, daca-i musai, no ham!

.no binie mã. dapãi cum sã nu-l ºtim, mã...tulai, cã uneori cred cã am auzît tãtie bancurile cu ardeleni care s-or fãcut, no. no, mã....aºe da.

bata-va sa va bata

Impotriva plictiselii
 

Ion se intalneste cu un matematician, un economist si un contabil si-i intreaba: - Cat fac unu si cu unu? Matematicianul ii raspunde: - Exact doi. Economistul raspunde - Poate doi. Contabilul se uita in stanga si in dreapta si spune in soapta: - Cat vrei sa faca?


Am gasit ceva funny pe un site si mi s-a parut amuzant http://www.funzone.binarythunder.com/view_106.html Va las pe voi sa decideti..... :P

Iisus ii aduna pe apostoli. - Baieti, am aflat ca jos, pe Pamant, a aparut un nou viciu, care nu exista pe vremea noastra: drogurile. Asadar, inainte de a ne decide cu privire la acest viciu, ar trebui sa investigam putin problema. Prin urmare, duceti-va si aflati ce puteti. Pleaca apostolii, dupa vreo trei zile se aud batai in poarta raiului. - Cine e? - Sunt eu, Ioan, am adus ecstasy din Amsterdam! Mai trec 6 zile, iar batai in poarta. - Cine e? - Sunt eu, Petru, am adus cocaina din Columbia! Si tot asa, pana revin toti apostolii cu toate felurile de droguri din toate colturile lumii. Vreo 3 luni dupa. Din nou, batai in usa. -Cine e? -Sunt eu, Iuda, am adus FBI-ul

in aceeasi tema, tot e la moda sa iasa Iuda the good guy:
Iisus trebuia sã pregãteascã cina cea de tainã, dar n-avea bani. Îl cheamã pe Petru ºi-i spune:
„Petru, ai cumva 30 de arginþi?”.
„N-am, învãþãtorule”, spune Petru, „cã de când am lãsat meseria de pescar ºi am început sã te urmez, nu mai am nici o sursã de venit”. Iisus îl cheamã pe Matei.
„Ai cumva 30 de arginþi, Matei?”, întreabã Iisus.
„N-am, învãþãtorule”, vine rãspunsul, „cã am lãsat vama ºi te-am urmat ºi nu mai am nici un ban de atunci”. Iisus îi cheamã pe toþi ºi le pune aceeaºi întrebare, primind acelaºi rãspuns. La sfârºit îl cheamã ºi pe Iuda: „Ai cumva 30 de arginþi?”, întreabã Iisus cam fãrã speranþã.
„Învãþãtorule, n-am”, spune Iuda. ªi continuã: “Dar mi-a venit o idee...”

Un vierme catre prietena lui: - Daca nu te impaci cu mine, ma arunc in fata GAINII !!!

Gigi Becali la discoteca. O blonda il intreaba: "Dansati?". Gigi Becali: "Nu fa, asa merg eu baga-mi-as p**a in mata si in Dan Voiculescu!!!"

...Care-i problema? "

:lol: :lol: :lol: :love:

...economica... :D

1 tip ... beat merge in drum spre casa .... la un mom dat trece pe langa un cimitir .... la poarta cimitirului 2 faceau sex cu o tipa .... asta se duce si le zice: baieti dupa voi urmez eu .... la care astia 2 : nici sa nu te gandesti, daca vrei si tu uite acolo e lopata, scoatetz alta

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country.......we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives........"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."

Oedip se intalneste cu Sisif:
O: - Muncim? muncim?
S: - S-o fu.ti pe ma-ta!

Metoda logica de vanat iepuri:
Materiale necesare:
O caramida, un morcov si un pumn de piper.

Mod de operare:
Te duci in padure si pui caramida intr-un loc deschis, unde poate fi observata cu usurinta. Peste caramida asezi morcovul, iar peste morcov presari piperul. Apoi, te ascunzi in desis. Iepurele vine, vede morcovul, da sa-l manance, inspira piperul, stranuta si se da cu capul de caramida.

Billy's homework assignment is to think of a true story with a moral. The following day, Suzy raises her hand and says, "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road. The teacher asks for the moral to the story. Suzy replies, "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."

Next is Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm too, and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched. The moral is: Don't count your chicks before they are hatched.''

Billy is last to speak. He says, ''My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam War. His plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed, with only a parachute, a bottle of bourbon, a machine gun, and a machete. As he floated down, he drank the bottle of bourbon. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 North Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade broke on his machete, so he killed the last 10 with his bare hands. The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story. Billy replies, "Don't mess with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking.''

.................................................. .................................................. ......

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time with the same result. He figured he'd crawl outside and get some fresh air to sober himself up.
Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed, he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He awoke the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"
"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.
"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

.................................................. .................................................. ......

There was a blonde and a brunette in an elevator. On their way down, they stopped to pick up another person also on their way down. When the person got on, the girls noticed that he was pretty cute. Unfortunately, he had dandruff. Finally, on the way off the elevator the two girls let the guy go ahead of them. The brunette turned to the blonde and said, "Oh my God! We need to give him Head and Shoulders." The blonde then replied, "That's a pretty good idea, but how are we going to give him shoulders?"

.................................................. .................................................. .......

One day a small lizard was walking through the forest. He smelled pot and looked up to find a koala bear sitting in a tree.
The little lizard looked up and said, "Hey koala bear, what are you doing up there?"
The bear replied, "I'm getting high, come on up." So the lizard joined the bear in the tree.
They continued to smoke joint after joint until finally the little lizard said, "My mouth is dry like cotton."
The koala bear agreed and told the lizard to go down to the river and get a drink and in the meantime he would roll another joint.
The little lizard attempted to lean over to drink water from the river and was so stoned, he fell right in and started splashing around.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to help the lizard to shore. He said, "Lizard what is wrong with you?"
The lizard replied, "I've been getting stoned with the koala bear. I needed water and fell in the river."
The crocodile said, "I don't believe this. Take me to the tree you were in."
So they walked through the forest and they come to the tree where the koala bear was sitting. The crocodile looked up and said, "Hey koala bear, what are you doing up there?"
The koala bear looked down and said, "Holy crap dude, how much water did you drink?"

http://www.funzone.binarythunder.com/view_139.html o pisica care danseaza rock

Un scotian dupa ce se piaptana un timp indelungat,
arunca pieptenul la
cosul de gunoi.
> Prietenul lui, tot scotian, care il vede, disperat,
il intreaba:
> - Ai innebunit ? De ce arunci pieptenul la gunoi ?
> - Pai s-a rupt un dinte.
> - Ei si, pentru un dinte arunci pieptenul ?
> - Da, dar ... era ultimul !


Un om intra intr-un bar si cere 2 pahare de votca.
> Barmanul il intreaba de ce doua pahare.
> Iar persoana ii raspunde :
> - Pai stii, am un frate in armata si beau unul
pentru mine si unul pentru
el.
> A doua zi vine si cere doar un pahar iar barmanul
intreaba:
> - De ce numai un pahar?
> - Eu m-am lasat de baut.


Sir isi intreaba valetul:
> -John, nu s-a intors inca sotia mea de la partida de
calarit?
> -Inca nu, Sir, dar cred ca trebuie sa vina. Calul
s-a intors de o jumatate
de ora...


Intre scotieni:
> -Salut, bine ca te-am intilnit! Poti sa-mi imprumuti
20 de lire?
> -Imi pare rau, dar n-am bani la mine.
> -Dar acasa?
> -Acasa toti sint bine-sanatosi.

Sconcsul si rata mergeau intr-o zi prin padure. Rata era foarte deprimata.

Sconcsul: Ce-ai patit, ma? De ce esti deprimata?

Rata: Bai,nene, uite...ieri, cand inotam, m-am lovit cu capu' de o piatra si mi-am pierdut identitatea.

S: Pai, bine ma! Pentru ce sunt prietenii? Uite...Cioc ai?

R: Am!

S: Pene ai?

R: Am!

S: Macani?

R: Da!

S: Pai, vezi? Esti o rata!

R: Mersi mult, mai, mersi mersi. Iti raman datoare!

Dupa cateva zile, rata se intalneste cu sconcsul. Sconcsul era groaznic de deprimat.

R: Ce-ai patit de esti in halul asta?

S: Pai, sa vezi ce mi s-a intamplat. Eram ieri in copac, am calcat stramb, am cazut si m-am lovit cu capu' de o piatra si mi-am pierdut identitatea.

R: Pai bine mai! Pentru ce-s prietenii? M-ai ajutat, te ajut si eu. Sa vedem acum...par ai?

S: Am!

R: Dunga ai?

S: Am!

R: Putzi?

S: Put!

R: Apai vezi ma? Esti o p.izda!

:lol: :lol: :lol:
bine-acolo Nightwu' - bine-acolo...
dak nu tu...atunci cine??? :love:

Fizz? :P

Un om de afaceri intra intr-o noapte intr-un bar, merge la tejghea si comanda o bere. - Cat costa? - Nimic domnule, e din partea casei. - Serios? - Da, domnule. Uitati aici si un sandvich tot din partea casei. - Nu pot sa cred asa ceva... atunci am sa cumpar macar un pachet de tigari! - Nu trebuie domnule, va dau eu un cartus... din partea casei... - Domnule, eu asa ceva nu am intalnit de cand sunt! Ce mod e asta de a face afaceri? Din ce castigati voi? Unde este seful tau vreau sa il cunosc personal! - Momentan este sus intr-o camera, cu nevasta mea. - Dar ce face cu nevasta dumitale? - Cam acelasi lucru ce fac eu acum cu afacerea lui.

Doua calugarite la cumparaturi intr-un magazin alimentar. Una dintre ele o intreaba pe cealalta: - Ce-ai zice de niste bere? - N-ar strica, dar mi-ar fi rusine sa cumpar asa ceva. - Nici o problema, rezolv eu. Iau ele o cutie cu 6 beri si se duc la casa. Casierul se uita foarte mirat si calugarita zice: - Asta-i ca sa ne spalam parul. Caiserul, fara sa ezite, se apleaca sub tejghea si pune o punga de covrigei linga bere: - Sa nu va uitati bigudiurile.

Cica mergea ursul prin padure, cu o foaie de hartie si un creion. Se intalneste cu vulpea.

- Ursule, ce ai acolo? zice vulpea.
- O lista cu animalele pe care vreau sa le mananc, ii raspunde calm ursul.
- Sunt si eu acolo? intreaba vulpea, speriata.
- Da, esti.
- Vaaaaaaaaaai de mine si de mine! Da-mi voie sa ma duc acasa sa-mi pup familia, sa-mi iau la revedere de la rude & prieteni, si pe urma vin sa ma mananci.
- Bine, cum vrei tu.
Vulpea se duce si peste cateva minute se intoarce. Ursul o mananca.

Se intalneste cu bursucul.

- Ursule, ce ai acolo?
- O lista cu animalele pe care vreau sa le mananc.
- Sunt si eu acolo?
- Da, esti.
- Vaaaaaaaaaai de mine si de mine! Da-mi voie sa ma duc acasa sa-mi pup familia, sa-mi iau la revedere si pe urma vin sa ma mananci.
- Bine, hai!
Bursucul se duce si peste cateva minute se intoarce. Ursul il mananca.

Se intalneste cu viezurele.

- Ursule, ce ai acolo?
- O lista cu animalele pe care vreau sa le mananc.
- Sunt si eu acolo?
- Da, esti.
- Vaaaaaaaaaai de mine si de mine! Da-mi voie sa ma duc acasa sa-mi pup familia, sa-mi iau la revedere si pe urma vin sa ma mananci.
- Bine, du-te!
Viezurelel se duce si peste cateva minute se intoarce. Ursul il mananca.

Se intalneste cu ratonul.

- Ursule, ce ai acolo?
- O lista cu animalele pe care vreau sa le mananc.
- Sunt si eu acolo?
- Da, esti.
- Vaaaaaaaaaai de mine si de mine! Da-mi voie sa ma duc acasa sa-mi pup familia, sa-mi iau la revedere si pe urma vin sa ma mananci.
- Bine, fie!
Ratonul se duce si peste cateva minute se intoarce. Ursul il mananca.

Se intalneste cu iepurasul. Top-top!

- Ursule, ce ai acolo?
- O lista cu animalele pe care vreau sa le mananc.
- Sunt si eu acolo?
- Da, esti.
- Si nu poti sa ma stergi si pe mine de pe lista?
- Ba da, pot!

Cum omori un elefant vânät?
Cu pusca de elefanti vineti.

Cum omori un elefant rosu?
Il tragi de trompa pana se face vanat de durere si apoi il impusti cu pusca de elefanti vineti

Cum omori un elefant verde?
I spui un banc porcos, el se face rosu de rusine apoi il tragi de trompa pana se face vanat de durere si il impusti cu pusca de elefanti vineti.

Cum omori un elefant galben?
Da ce ai vazut tu vreodata elefanti galbeni?

-Cum le gasesc elefantii pe elefantitele care se ascund in iarba verde?

-Le gasesc foarte atragatoare.

Un iepuras intra într-un supermarket si cerând un cui, întreaba: Cât ma costa un cui? Vânzatorul raspunde: "Ei, domnule, mai nimic, un cui se poate pierde la transport." Timp de o saptamâna, seara de seara, iepurasul nostru cumpara de la acelasi magazin, un cui. Iritat, vânzatorul se hotaraste sa-i dea din partea firmei, drept cadou, un kilogram de cuie. La aceasta oferta, iepurasul raspunde: "A, nu, n-am nevoie de un kilogram de cuie. Stiti, eu, ies seara la plimbare si n-am cui sa dau telefon".